Not Okay

It’s not okay to be the person that causes harm. It always ends up being to the ones that love me, that I destroy. (Name changed for privacy reasons) Nyle McLin was the sweetest man I knew. I say was, not because he is gone, but because something has happened to him.

His home, his mind, his state of peace are all different because of me. I came in to his life innocently, a light hearted girl. He fell deeply in love with me, or so as he defined love.

I’m not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. Or if I do, it’s not to last.

The thing about relationships is that they aren’t defined by monogamy or by the standards that society places on us. I’m tired of people demonizing me just for not knowing what I want. I am sorry, Nyle, that I caused your home to go from being full of music and people and laughter to an empty and messy place. I am sorry you made the mistake of loving me, even though I asked you not to. I am sorry that I spent the night so many times at your house, but not in your room.

I am sorry that I might love your (now old) best friend. But I cannot say that I am bad because of it. All I can say is if you really loved me, and him, you would not hold on so tightly.

I am a destroyer, possibly. I admit that may be a truth. I don’t think everyone sees me that way, or that I have had that impact on everyone’s life.

(name changed for privacy purposes) William didn’t hold on to me. He showed me his world, just like you did, and he saw me run in it and love it. He let me go when I asked without reason. He loves me. That is love. Love is encouraging people to feel however they feel and to trust that they honor you and are not trying to use you or harm you. William allowing me that, has allowed me to feel an enormous amount of respect and love for him.

I understand that it’s difficult to cope with. I think you are right. I think a lot has been done wrong. I think wrong is subjective. I think this whole life is arbitrary. I don’t think I should matter so much to you, to make you question who you are as an individual. I am not trying to harm you, but my pursuing of my own heart has.

Am I responsible?

(name changed for privacy reasons) Dane probably has seen the most of this chaos and tried the most to help me through it. He has been put on the line many times, but I also have chosen him above Nyle and above my beloved William. I am still terribly conflicted about this decision and Dane can see it in my hesitation at times.

I am too exhausted of relationships to put energy into deciphering how I feel further. This is a mess, and I am tired of hurting people. I am tired of demands to be exclusive and monogamous, when all that feels like to me is ownership. I want to love Dane, I want to respect his needs, but I am never going to be owned.

Nyle treated me like I was important, but desperately wanted me to be his. Acts of kindness do not mean you are ever entitled to someone else. I am tired of people not caring about my voice! I am tired of being responsible for feeling that are not my own.  I am tired of being demonized and thought of as in genuine when this is all just as confusing to me.

It’s only confusing because I am allowing myself to be riddled with guilt and heaviness from the expectations and definitions of good I have learned in this society. I am going to be controlled by the definition of a “good girl”. I’d rather have voice, thoughts, and power, and be bad, than to be docile and good.

I am not well behaved. I am not yours. I am not responsible for how you fucking feel about me, nor do you have a right to demonize me.

Nyle, I am sorry your home has changed. I am sorry that your best friend is pursuing me. You warned him not to, as I would too. But I also resent you. I resent that you feel so much ownership over me as to be mad at him for talking to me. It’s grown and grown since then, and you and I have grown and grown apart. I can’t be around you. I can’t be around someone who pretends to act like my friend, but is angry and possessive about me when I am not around.

I do not want your energy to be on my back anymore. I want you to let me go, and to not be angry anymore. I want you to realize I have nothing to do with you. We are so separate, and you are powerful in your own voice. The only thing I did wrong was to have different wants than you.

The way you are acting now shows me that you never loved me. This darkness is not love. It is not the response of a heartbreak either. It is possessive and a illusion of love by wanting ownership and not being able to have it. And I can promise at least this, I would run from anyone who tried to dictate ownership over me like you did.

Dry Lagoon

White and black
Looking closer
finely grained stones
stick to my palms
a point accented by the waves
mist is approaching over the mountains
feel the texture change under my boots
yellow stains the sand
Victorian gem spies on us
from between the branches
dying in masses
blue and clear ameobas
following the shape of the tide
and dead
do you want to go the the top?
if its possible, I’m down
swirls of orange cut by the rigid texture of wood
but my fingertips see the cool touch of stone
Independently entertained
Hunting for treasure
stones engulphed in the white foam
My favorite people are those I can be silent with
Funny thing to be able to choose
I haven’t replied yet.
A reminder of the world
soft breeze through my sweater
the tide plays on the shore
a little different each time

Free Thought 

Coffee calms my attention
Feeling capable today
Open chair and and open mind

I like myself
A superb feeling
Where is Eskender

Im doing this so I can see a friend
Motivation at its finest
Every person walking behind me
Makes my head turn

I love so many things
This morning was one of them
Pumkin Pie coffee
picnic table in the sunshine
sweet sweet sweet boys
made my morning

Lets climb a tree for real today?
I like you

Determining the control and the treatment
I am okay
I feel myself behind my voice

Overwelmed by the near future
Distrust in myself to meet the end
I just want to climb a tree
And see Gilley

Misery wants company
Empowered by the context of conversation
Understanding why people prefer complaining
Sometimes saying “I cant” helps you overcome it

With a Beat

You say it like its just a fact, I’m tired of the men only track. philosophize when we are drunk? listen easy little punk. Tell me whos your favorite, and be happy to debate it. What is this fucked up perception men only capable of retention. A stick in the mud, with nothing to say, I celebrate with an internal horray. Fuck what you think, women belonging to a towel and sink. Ignorant comments make my eyes red, disbelief at the shit in your head. Privelage is such a commodity, but struggle gives you a comradery. Thankful for this ignorant beast. Thankful for a chance to talk on this beat. A white privaged child, you remind me at least. Chasing images of equality, filtered out the accepted fraudery. Stop telling me what I am supposed to be, fuck the media and fuck TV. We don’t realize until its too late, already eaten off their scummy plate. I wish I could just shake these fucken people, like goddam it arent you tired of being weak and feeble. Ive seen it too many times. i cant talk to you sheep, I cant hear these ignorant lines, so fucken cheap. Explain to me one more time your fucken beleif. Tell me women dont think. Tell me men philosophize when they drink. I wont stand by ignorance and just blink. You better have something more to say, okay? Because I’ll fuckin give it to you all again. I refuse to internalize. to be part of a silent gen. Fuck your standards, no 50% can self proclaim commanders. I accept your ignorance as just that, because it reminds be not to go back. Theres wars being fought and ignorance is the least of the attacks. A voiceless generation consumed in media, experts in fuckin selective amnesia.  I wont forget the work being done, my voice has become my own favorite gun.

Why I Look Tired Today 

Maybe its the weariness of too much family small talk, or the faint fear of next semesters beginning, because today I have been recieving the comment “you look tired today” a few too many times. Oh yeah, thats just because I’m depressed at how dull and long life is, and how I have nothing to look forward to, and am no one in particular thats a fun person to spend my own life with (my self has been having a lot of arguments lately).

 Did is spawn yesterday with the distantly related relative question about life goals and utterly consescending uncle who wants to walk you through questions begging your passions and visions for yourself, only to further illistrate the lack there of. I used to be a very different person. I was always in the top of whatever I was doing, somehow motivated by this egocentric competativeness that chisled these picturesque goals into my head. What are my passions? Ask me now, and I’ll tell you that today, I have failed because I have none. Frequent hours spent dwindling thumbs on touch screens to avoid the very boredness that used to motivate me as a child. I am a very different person now. I used to be organized and neat, yet monthes of laziness have stretched that to near extinxtion. I dont recognize my personality. Once thriving on attention, I find myself driven by manners to socialize at all. Am I too comfortable in my life? Am I afraid of living?

I was skiing this week, hence the whole Utah part of the title, and I learned more than just balance up on the mountain. I was terrified. Petrified, straight up unable to move at certain points. It was one of the hardest things to work through. I kept telling myself in steps, “ok first you have to feel calm. Find that, now move your ankles to the left- TO THE LEFT!!” But I couldnt move down the mountain until I was calm, so many people never go down the mountain because its easier than facing the petrifying fear.

I had to be calm before I could focus on anything else. Thats what I tell myself in these moments of life crisis where Ive done nothing, know nothing, am nothing, and feel nothing. Its okay to not know these things! I’m 19! (trust me, that commentary isnt for you) 

Its so hard to accept that life is a path sometimes and not be hard on myself for just being eh. But calmness comes first, then action, then progress.

My goal is to be less success driven and more progress driven.