The leaves don’t fall
But I do.
A world of walking,
Is met with a room.
January- this time of new starts and reflection.
Where was I supposed to be by now?
Lost in ambitions and ambiguity,
January sits on me.
Like an unfortunate cloud dropping in on your Himalayan trek.
Colored with lessons I cannot yet see.
I am in January.
Thoughts of where I should be, and where I haven’t gone,
rattle my mind to the point where I sink deeper in the covers,
and hit play on youtube one more time.
Distractions to drown out the goals.
Distractions to drown the fucking broken leg.
Drown out the pain.
Hide what you’ve been thinking.
January is either a time to reflect or a time to banish the past.
“I am not who I was yesterday.” He says on January 1st.
Reflection replaced with selective amnesia.
“Do not forget me!” My leg seems to scream.
But “shoulds” are met with “should haves”
and what I have not done continues to haunt me.
The war with myself
January is a time to reflect.
I think of all the places I have walked in a year.
My lovely wonderful legs.
It has been a while since I thanked you.
To die will be natural. I think of the spirit that is around the body being scared afraid, but in actuality I think that to die will be as easy as to live. just like we have in stinks that make our first time in bed with another smooth, we are beings that are meant to live and die. When we die, if there is a place we go, I don’t expect it to be scary. I think it will be a place we understand and navigate once we are there. I’m not in a rush to go. I think that the monotony and slowness of life is enjoyable. I see diverse opportunity to continue learning and living. I am more or less happy. But again, I am not afraid of death. Even if spirits wander around the areas where they were attached, I don’t think it’s because they’re there in a chaotic place of having lost their body. I think there maybe sadness there, but we will understand it and we will navigate it when we’re there.
I’m going to start a business. I’ll create a website for myself with an e-commerce set up. I’ll have deliverable contacts. I’ll network. I’ll hire. I’ll create. Can I envision a company? Am I ready? Choose an industry and go, Raleigh. NOW.
Industries of Interest:
Important questions: how can I learn what I need to in order to be successful in these feilds? What is my focus on a product, and how can I deliver it? Will I be able to navigate the digital space? What will my investments be?
Understand successful algorithyms- a great start.
The big question lays in front of me during this pivotal time, what will I make of my life? I’m graduating college. I’m in my 20’s. I’ve had a few serious relationships. I’ve spent some time exploring. I am in control of myself and my future.
There are so many distractions.
Gross. Awesome. Dirty. Lovely. Ecstatic. Violent. We all have different associations with the world of intimacy. Some have wonderful safe places and some others might associate intimacy with manipulation and darkness.
I’ve always had trouble meditating except when I had just returned from India. When I went back to Humboldt after that trip I was a recreated person. I remember the joy I felt each time I closed my eyes because all the memories would flood back to me. I went to work early each day and my productivity soared. I was full of energy. I was waking up early in the morning and meditating. I would walk to school feeling light and happy and full of peace. But like most highs, the feeling of empowerment and peace began to fade. Since then I have been yearning to return to India.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I felt like there was a part of myself that I found and now was losing and I didn’t know why exactly. I stopped being able to meditate and returned to my busy-minded ways. It all felt like a weird dream. Did that really happen? I found myself thinking. I just knew there was something out there thay I wanted to find again. So all year I have been waiting. I have been finishing my degree relentlessly because I wanted nothing else but to return to India. I will be myself again. I will be at peace again, I thought.
So when I landed in Thailand, I couldn’t understand why I felt the same. Maybe I just need to go to India, I thought. Maybe Thailand isn’t home for me like India is. But it’s here too. It’s actually everywhere. After a few days of walking, of swimming, of thinking- it is starting to creep back into my consciousness.