It’s funny how quickly the world around one’s self can change. I went into last week dreamy eyed and relaxed, coming out of it heart broken and displaced.
As much as we want to lavish in success, the true character building moments are the moments when we are our lowest. I am trying to stand tall with the world collapsing around me. I’m scared that this downfall will take more with it. It’d be easy for me to lose focus now.
I recently fell in love. There’s really no other words to describe it. It was a full body and mind experience. He is a writer, deep thinker, philosopher, product builder, and all around brilliant conversationist. It wasn’t just about spending time with him, but I felt a highway of connection with him.
Last week he returned from some time with family for the holidays, and that day I lost my apartment. In a chaotic turn of events, I was suddenly out of what I thought was my home. But interestingly enough, the only thing I could think about was him. He stood beside me strong, and helped me carry my things to my car. He was a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, a voice to speak with.
The next few days I spent from my parents home in Pasadena. Which was awful really. But not because of where I was, just because I wasn’t with him. It killed me that he was finally back but I couldn’t see him every day. I didn’t care about the apartment or my sudden displacement, all I could think about was, now I don’t get to be with you.
Yet sometimes the things you think you need most, you actually have to let go of. I held myself tall.
The funny thing was, yesterday we admitted that we loved each other and that we shouldn’t see each other in nearly the same breath. How mind blowing? As awful as it felt, I also was so happy to know that he has been feeling all of the same things I’ve been deep in.
He has a fiance in China.
I am grateful for having things clear, even if I wish it were different. He has another life he built in China. He’s an expat. He’s back here in the US, but hardly. He can’t distinguish what’s real and what’s not. He doesn’t even know if I am. It would be incredibly harmful for me to step any closer to him.
It’s amazing how much breaking this connection feels like a physical injury. It’s just a sign of how deep in it I already am. We aren’t together. We’ve hardly ever expressed affection for each other. We’ve yet to even really cross romantic lines.
Yet it’s still there. There’s this unspoken place I’ve been holding for him. I love him. There’s no question about that. I want him. I want to spend all my time with him. Yet now I know I need to allow him to go, and allow myself to let go.
I didn’t really understand that he had such ties in China. He has a house, a family, pets… a fiance. He’s not safe for me to love. Yet even now, I wish I had him with me. But that’s just because part of me wishes that I could turn to someone in my own darkness, but really all the answers and comfort I need lie here within myself. I am strong. I can walk forward. I am proud to feel. I am proud to cry. I am proud to love.
I can hope for myself to be able to draw strong lines. I hope that I can see him for all that he is. I hope I can find a space where it feels safe to give him love.
I’m grateful for him. Grateful to feel such connection that my heart aches. I vow to protect and honor that side of myself.