Crawling

Asleep with my eyes open.
Barred by the pain
I am imprisoned in my bed.
Laying still hoping the days pass
Or this body sentence will end.

I am so alone.
I am reminded by the words that she fills my lips with.
I cannot remember a time when I didn’t fantasize about dying.
It seems so much better than to live.

IBprofen doses make my mind foggy.
Google searches include “lethal dose”
241.
“I took a whole bottle and it didn’t work” A reddit user confessed.
That would only be 52.
You’d need to have 5 bottles handy.
Mistakes just cause stomach bleeding.

I want to die so badly.
I have hated everyone who’s ever loved me.

I have no passions. no goals. no desires.
I traveled the world,
but all I felt was the same- consumed by my sadness.
No borders allowed me to escape the familiar screaming inside.
Looking off the edge of buildings wondering if I was brave enough to jump.

I want to die so badly.
How horrible and selfish and lazy.
To destroy those who have invested so fully into you.
To run away from living.

January

The leaves don’t fall
But I do.
A world of walking,
Is met with a room.
January- this time of new starts and reflection.
Where was I supposed to be by now?
Lost in ambitions and ambiguity,
January sits on me.
Like an unfortunate cloud dropping in on your Himalayan trek.
Colored with lessons I cannot yet see.
I am in January.
Thoughts of where I should be, and where I haven’t gone,
rattle my mind to the point where I sink deeper in the covers,
and hit play on youtube one more time.
Distractions to drown out the goals.
Distractions to drown the fucking broken leg.
Drown out the pain.
Hide what you’ve been thinking.
Forget.

January is either a time to reflect or a time to banish the past.
“I am not who I was yesterday.” He says on January 1st.
Reflection replaced with selective amnesia.
“Do not forget me!” My leg seems to scream.
But “shoulds” are met with “should haves”
and what I have not done continues to haunt me.
The war with myself
is distracting.

January is a time to reflect.
I think of all the places I have walked in a year.
My lovely wonderful legs.
It has been a while since I thanked you.

To Die

To die will be natural. I think of the spirit that is around the body being scared afraid, but in actuality I think that to die will be as easy as to live. just like we have in stinks that make our first time in bed with another smooth, we are beings that are meant to live and die. When we die, if there is a place we go, I don’t expect it to be scary. I think it will be a place we understand and navigate once we are there. I’m not in a rush to go. I think that the monotony and slowness of life is enjoyable. I see diverse opportunity to continue learning and living. I am more or less happy. But again, I am not afraid of death. Even if spirits wander around the areas where they were attached, I don’t think it’s because they’re there in a chaotic place of having lost their body. I think there maybe sadness there, but we will understand it and we will navigate it when we’re there.

Me

I’m going to start a business. I’ll create a website for myself with an e-commerce set up. I’ll have deliverable contacts. I’ll network. I’ll hire. I’ll create. Can I envision a company? Am I ready? Choose an industry and go, Raleigh. NOW.

Industries of Interest:
Genetic Modeling
Engineering
Computer Science
E-commerce
Marine Biology
Broadcast entertainment

Important questions: how can I learn what I need to in order to be successful in these feilds? What is my focus on a product, and how can I deliver it? Will I be able to navigate the digital space? What will my investments be?

Understand successful algorithyms- a great start.

Life

The big question lays in front of me during this pivotal time, what will I make of my life? I’m graduating college. I’m in my 20’s. I’ve had a few serious relationships. I’ve spent some time exploring. I am in control of myself and my future.

There are so many distractions.