I’ve always had trouble meditating except when I had just returned from India. When I went back to Humboldt after that trip I was a recreated person. I remember the joy I felt each time I closed my eyes because all the memories would flood back to me. I went to work early each day and my productivity soared. I was full of energy. I was waking up early in the morning and meditating. I would walk to school feeling light and happy and full of peace. But like most highs, the feeling of empowerment and peace began to fade. Since then I have been yearning to return to India.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I felt like there was a part of myself that I found and now was losing and I didn’t know why exactly. I stopped being able to meditate and returned to my busy-minded ways. It all felt like a weird dream. Did that really happen? I found myself thinking. I just knew there was something out there thay I wanted to find again. So all year I have been waiting. I have been finishing my degree relentlessly because I wanted nothing else but to return to India. I will be myself again. I will be at peace again, I thought.
So when I landed in Thailand, I couldn’t understand why I felt the same. Maybe I just need to go to India, I thought. Maybe Thailand isn’t home for me like India is. But it’s here too. It’s actually everywhere. After a few days of walking, of swimming, of thinking- it is starting to creep back into my consciousness.