To a Friend

I think sometimes about the value of another human. Why are we really good? What have you loved? What will you give to the world? And in the warmest light I see a few souls- a few paths that I’ve had the joy of crossing. 

You are the best friend I’ve ever had. We sit in your idling car as you mention the countdown- 13 days. It always seems like there’s not enough time with you.

I’m fortunate to be able to love you. I’m happy that I’ve shared some of my happiest times with you. 

If I was blind to everything but people’s light, the good they offered to the world, I would see you glowing in a crowded city. I’d find my way to you.

Our lives are too big for us to worry about small things like distance or time. It’ll be too much of an adventure to stop and worry. 

I’m fortunate to have spent the last year and a half being your friend. I’m happy there’s a lifetime to go.

As A Parent

As a parent, I want to one day say to my children,
I love you even if you’re free.
Tossing keys against a screen,
“Hi Mom- let’s talk after class?”
Do you yearn for me as I yearn for you?
“OK See ya later.”

Give all your sisters weddings.
I’ll love their children too.
Sisters are sisters are sisters.
I’ve become your sister too.
Will I remember how tall you used to look?
You saw me all the time.
I need to find a way to call you,
because that’s what sisters do.
Will I remember to be a child?
Fond of open window breezes.

Will I remember how tall you used to look?
Or better yet-
How small I used to be.
Back then, you saw me every day.
Do you yearn for me as I yearn for you?

I want to love my children even if they’re free.
I want to love them as you have loved me.

My Biggest Weakness

My biggest weakness is my weak will. I’m crippled by tasks with heavy heels and disorganization. This isnt something most of my friends would know about me- but it’s true. I’m the college student with the messy room and un kept house. I turned in a lab notebook today that wasnt even complete. I have no excuses. I turn to my phone. I’ll see every facebook post in a day but not write more than a page. It’s a problem. Seriously- I feel so weak willed. Face down on a table. Knees buckling under the weight of what? The privledge of never needing to work hard in your life? Being so fucking lazy and giving up? I see the same thing in myself when I scoot back after a half assed try on a highline. You sure as hell know a half-assed attempt when you see one. I need to find the part of myself that is different. I have the same equal and opposite dedermination to succeed as my stubbornness to fail. I just need to find the will to decide. Not only to try, but to know that no one is just goinng to hand you your goals. You have to decide and fight for them. Get fucking organized. Clean your room. Light a candle. Be someone who can accomplish what they set their mind to.

Sick of this damn lab notebook

fear actually fills my eyes with salt water
no no no
i wasted another mistake!
fuck!!!!!!!
I’m so lost and scared and done
I’m so done
I’m so tired
fuck this!!!!!!
ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh
no no no no no
please please please
death by books
trapped with a chain hanging on my ankle
I step up reluctantly
slowly
drudgingly
How will I finish?
Can I please fail?
Can it please be over?
Let me go
Let me move on
Let me be free
I hate this.
please please please