Venturing into the plaza, I had little intent. Actually I didnt know where I was going even as I fist stepped out of my door. Funny how things work themselves out when you let yourself explore. I stumbled upon two free boxes and a few gems, and then into the plaza. I was texting Alex when I noticed a familar face balancing on a skate board. She looked at me and mutual recognition sent me beaming over with open arms. Working Food Not Bombs, she spent a good amount of time in the plaza. I stayed until darkness had rolled in. I talked with a mom and her son about transitions from Michigan to california, and he told me about his disagreements with goverment at all, and I told him you have to be a part of society to change it. He liked that. A little yelling and a few people off balance doesnt bother me all that much, company is company.
Saturday I studied with Eve and solved problems on the board. Then left to sing and sit in the grass with Laura.
we all felt really awkward and off put by a strange guest. I am afraid my desire to challenge burned a bridge with that group by engaging with him.
We danced the night away at Portegese Hall and I loved it. No kisses like the night before, but many smiles and sweet faces.
Ended the night in my own bed and my own company.
I’m in love with these few days.
I need to work on my reliance on others. You cant build real relationships when you’re invested for selfish reasons. I’m a caring person, but what does that mean if at the end of the day, I’m in it for comfort.
Ruby recently decided that being friends wasnt an option because of how distant I was when with Sheamus. Besides my diagreements with that, and my changed view of her as a person, she touched on something very true that has been an issue for me before.
I’m havent been alone enough to be my own person. I have leaned on someone(s) for near 5 years, and love is comfortable for me. But that defeats the purpose of it, the specialness, te closeness. Its degraded to a selfish lust of satisfaction thats only gaine from the light headed extasy and butterfly bliss of being in love.
Did you know that you can stimulate the same parts of your brain and fall in love on your own? With yourself.
To appreciate love you must go without love. Also, it really does have to be the right person. Trying to change someone is just unrealistic and weird.
I am free.
But its important to be very true to myself. Its exausting to pretend to be happy when you feel so torn up inside. Its important to go to people to build relationships with them, bot because you need tem. Thanks Ruby for reminding me of that.
There are so many things to be happy about. The best thing I can do for the world is to be the best version of myself. Becoming absorbed in people around you just limits the scope of what you are capable of.
I am beginning a new chapter in my life of independence, self exploration, and eventually self actualization.