I used to whisper vows to her
A child asleep in my arms,
I will love you forever.
I once thanked her, even,
crediting her for teaching me love.
A body grows
Now she likes philosophy
11 years old, saying blatantly,
why is it that all men want something?
Drunken chaotic violent love is what she knows
I wish I wish I wish
I could be there
Maybe I stay a little farther at times
Because I know how much it hurts to see her
And feel like I’ve let her fall.
I can’t be a mother.
But what does a child do when she’s alone with a storm?
“I was worried, so I started counting.”
“How many beers.”
“How many does she usually drink?”
“If it’s just me and her… only 4-6. But when Rosie comes over more like 10 or 12.”
I pray that she comes out of her childhood stronger.
My heart aches for her struggle.
So matter of fact. So articulate. Beautiful and tall.
Asleep beside me like so long ago.
Memories flood my heart.
I want a whole life with her.
I started every letter to you with a love pronoun
but hit delete when it was ready to send
Will I hold tenderness for you-
Or close the door?
Reinforced with brick walls
The west calls you-
Yet I am coming East.
Maybe our roads will meet.
My heart clenches a romantic hope
But with the same breath I must release.
If he is to love me, let it be because he knows me-
Let him see both the light and the dark.
Wonder fills my thoughts.
A blind date at the end of a series of letters.
A drive with a blind hope.
Bliss or not, I’ll know soon.
Will your voice sound like music to me?
My heart can sometimes be heavy handed-
Destroying as it touches.
Clutching on to what it likes,
I hope I can be lighter with you.
Let it be more than a moment.
I hope to see you as you are.
You have such a hard time being alone. It’s funny how my view of you has changed so drastically in such a short period of time. It went from seeing you as a light to seeing you as such darkness. I think that my ideas of what I look for in another person have been refined by your presence. Forget the magic and romance that is so fleeting. I thought that I found something in you. Oh! This person understands me! This person is willing to talk about philosophy! But what is the value of any of that if as a person you have the qualities: afraid to be alone, needy, unreliable, not loyal, false to your word. I’ve always considered myself a bit impulsive, but there’s a difference in choosing to embrace the unknown and impulsively grabbing at life. My magnetic draw to you has turned into repulsion. I am disappointed to leave it at this. I feel that I was able to say some positive words when we spoke yesterday. Although feeling the feelings I felt for you seems like it was more of a memoir than a memory.
This is a reminder to myself that probably every one who I have a negative feeling towards I probably once loved. Because this the stain can only be associated with hurt. I wish that I wasn’t as disappointed as I feel. But thank you for the lessons. Thank you for the time. Thank you for the home. Please let me go.
I feel the breeze from my open door
Engulfed by the comfort
Sweet sweet Arcata will always be my home.
I haven’t saved much money,
But I am ready to go.
I feel my feet becoming lighter
I am eager. I am ready.
Open doors await.
A place within a dream, that’s what this is.
Beams of light bursting from around our shadows.
Beneath us, roaring waves.
Silence so serene
My head is resting on you
I decide to sleep on these feelings
My heart often speaks to me more clearly in my dreams
But for now I’m drowning in joy
As our lips touch
I hold back
Clutching my heart
As I feel it so dangerously danging on my sleeve
The ocean surrounds us
Islands trail the coastline into the distance
The sky is crystal blue
If I was ever unsure before
I am sure now
He feels for me too.
I wake up with answers however small
And am reminded not to worry.
We’ve known each other for a few years now.
Some times I’m more fond of you than others.
But a few mornings ago might of been my favorite memory of you yet.
I remember your kind words, and forget the rest.
I’ve seen you cry and held your hands.
I know you’ve loved everyone except for me.
I am a friend to you, I hope that that’s still clear.
But we are just as lost as each other.
Maybe that’s just a sickness making us sicker.
But this town is so much less fun when you’re not around.
I wonder if you look back upon yourself as I look back upon the life I’ve seen.
Colors of the trees met with persistence and dedication.
Blue eyes and a brazen tongue, you are one of my favorite people.
When you return from the mountains you listen and my voice seems bolder.
My words are met with your remarks.
I like to speak to you.
Hands burning of lust
I wonder how far I can wander
Focused on your every move
We sit in my room as the rest falls away
Your eyes locked on mine
I allow myself to lean into you
It’s unexpected- the kiss
Until it’s routine again
I am kissing. Is this ok?
I am climbing. I am pushing farther.
It’s okay. I think to myself. It’s okay to be free. Be wild. Be however.
Extasy to my fingertips flowing into you-
I am so in love with this.
Thoughts evade my actions and we are sinking deeper into the realm of touch
Fingers boldly exploring.
Crossing the lines of female and male, using our bodies for what they are made to do.
Create with me?
The act of it should be nothing short of bliss
Yet it is.
More? I ask myself, as I will for more.
Until it is nothing again.
What is missing? What is still missing?
I demand silently.
He looks me in the eye.
Why the fuck are your eyes so open?
Your human form against my human form.
Cuddling so naked.
Surges of love overpower reality.
Can touch be so synonymous that this is how I suddenly feel?
He’s my roommate.