Not Okay

It’s not okay to be the person that causes harm. It always ends up being to the ones that love me, that I destroy. (Name changed for privacy reasons) Nyle McLin was the sweetest man I knew. I say was, not because he is gone, but because something has happened to him.

His home, his mind, his state of peace are all different because of me. I came in to his life innocently, a light hearted girl. He fell deeply in love with me, or so as he defined love.

I’m not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. Or if I do, it’s not to last.

The thing about relationships is that they aren’t defined by monogamy or by the standards that society places on us. I’m tired of people demonizing me just for not knowing what I want. I am sorry, Nyle, that I caused your home to go from being full of music and people and laughter to an empty and messy place. I am sorry you made the mistake of loving me, even though I asked you not to. I am sorry that I spent the night so many times at your house, but not in your room.

I am sorry that I might love your (now old) best friend. But I cannot say that I am bad because of it. All I can say is if you really loved me, and him, you would not hold on so tightly.

I am a destroyer, possibly. I admit that may be a truth. I don’t think everyone sees me that way, or that I have had that impact on everyone’s life.

(name changed for privacy purposes) William didn’t hold on to me. He showed me his world, just like you did, and he saw me run in it and love it. He let me go when I asked without reason. He loves me. That is love. Love is encouraging people to feel however they feel and to trust that they honor you and are not trying to use you or harm you. William allowing me that, has allowed me to feel an enormous amount of respect and love for him.

I understand that it’s difficult to cope with. I think you are right. I think a lot has been done wrong. I think wrong is subjective. I think this whole life is arbitrary. I don’t think I should matter so much to you, to make you question who you are as an individual. I am not trying to harm you, but my pursuing of my own heart has.

Am I responsible?

(name changed for privacy reasons) Dane probably has seen the most of this chaos and tried the most to help me through it. He has been put on the line many times, but I also have chosen him above Nyle and above my beloved William. I am still terribly conflicted about this decision and Dane can see it in my hesitation at times.

I am too exhausted of relationships to put energy into deciphering how I feel further. This is a mess, and I am tired of hurting people. I am tired of demands to be exclusive and monogamous, when all that feels like to me is ownership. I want to love Dane, I want to respect his needs, but I am never going to be owned.

Nyle treated me like I was important, but desperately wanted me to be his. Acts of kindness do not mean you are ever entitled to someone else. I am tired of people not caring about my voice! I am tired of being responsible for feeling that are not my own.  I am tired of being demonized and thought of as in genuine when this is all just as confusing to me.

It’s only confusing because I am allowing myself to be riddled with guilt and heaviness from the expectations and definitions of good I have learned in this society. I am going to be controlled by the definition of a “good girl”. I’d rather have voice, thoughts, and power, and be bad, than to be docile and good.

I am not well behaved. I am not yours. I am not responsible for how you fucking feel about me, nor do you have a right to demonize me.

Nyle, I am sorry your home has changed. I am sorry that your best friend is pursuing me. You warned him not to, as I would too. But I also resent you. I resent that you feel so much ownership over me as to be mad at him for talking to me. It’s grown and grown since then, and you and I have grown and grown apart. I can’t be around you. I can’t be around someone who pretends to act like my friend, but is angry and possessive about me when I am not around.

I do not want your energy to be on my back anymore. I want you to let me go, and to not be angry anymore. I want you to realize I have nothing to do with you. We are so separate, and you are powerful in your own voice. The only thing I did wrong was to have different wants than you.

The way you are acting now shows me that you never loved me. This darkness is not love. It is not the response of a heartbreak either. It is possessive and a illusion of love by wanting ownership and not being able to have it. And I can promise at least this, I would run from anyone who tried to dictate ownership over me like you did.

With a Beat

You say it like its just a fact, I’m tired of the men only track. philosophize when we are drunk? listen easy little punk. Tell me whos your favorite, and be happy to debate it. What is this fucked up perception men only capable of retention. A stick in the mud, with nothing to say, I celebrate with an internal horray. Fuck what you think, women belonging to a towel and sink. Ignorant comments make my eyes red, disbelief at the shit in your head. Privelage is such a commodity, but struggle gives you a comradery. Thankful for this ignorant beast. Thankful for a chance to talk on this beat. A white privaged child, you remind me at least. Chasing images of equality, filtered out the accepted fraudery. Stop telling me what I am supposed to be, fuck the media and fuck TV. We don’t realize until its too late, already eaten off their scummy plate. I wish I could just shake these fucken people, like goddam it arent you tired of being weak and feeble. Ive seen it too many times. i cant talk to you sheep, I cant hear these ignorant lines, so fucken cheap. Explain to me one more time your fucken beleif. Tell me women dont think. Tell me men philosophize when they drink. I wont stand by ignorance and just blink. You better have something more to say, okay? Because I’ll fuckin give it to you all again. I refuse to internalize. to be part of a silent gen. Fuck your standards, no 50% can self proclaim commanders. I accept your ignorance as just that, because it reminds be not to go back. Theres wars being fought and ignorance is the least of the attacks. A voiceless generation consumed in media, experts in fuckin selective amnesia.  I wont forget the work being done, my voice has become my own favorite gun.