Not Okay

It’s not okay to be the person that causes harm. It always ends up being to the ones that love me, that I destroy. (Name changed for privacy reasons) Nyle McLin was the sweetest man I knew. I say was, not because he is gone, but because something has happened to him.

His home, his mind, his state of peace are all different because of me. I came in to his life innocently, a light hearted girl. He fell deeply in love with me, or so as he defined love.

I’m not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. Or if I do, it’s not to last.

The thing about relationships is that they aren’t defined by monogamy or by the standards that society places on us. I’m tired of people demonizing me just for not knowing what I want. I am sorry, Nyle, that I caused your home to go from being full of music and people and laughter to an empty and messy place. I am sorry you made the mistake of loving me, even though I asked you not to. I am sorry that I spent the night so many times at your house, but not in your room.

I am sorry that I might love your (now old) best friend. But I cannot say that I am bad because of it. All I can say is if you really loved me, and him, you would not hold on so tightly.

I am a destroyer, possibly. I admit that may be a truth. I don’t think everyone sees me that way, or that I have had that impact on everyone’s life.

(name changed for privacy purposes) William didn’t hold on to me. He showed me his world, just like you did, and he saw me run in it and love it. He let me go when I asked without reason. He loves me. That is love. Love is encouraging people to feel however they feel and to trust that they honor you and are not trying to use you or harm you. William allowing me that, has allowed me to feel an enormous amount of respect and love for him.

I understand that it’s difficult to cope with. I think you are right. I think a lot has been done wrong. I think wrong is subjective. I think this whole life is arbitrary. I don’t think I should matter so much to you, to make you question who you are as an individual. I am not trying to harm you, but my pursuing of my own heart has.

Am I responsible?

(name changed for privacy reasons) Dane probably has seen the most of this chaos and tried the most to help me through it. He has been put on the line many times, but I also have chosen him above Nyle and above my beloved William. I am still terribly conflicted about this decision and Dane can see it in my hesitation at times.

I am too exhausted of relationships to put energy into deciphering how I feel further. This is a mess, and I am tired of hurting people. I am tired of demands to be exclusive and monogamous, when all that feels like to me is ownership. I want to love Dane, I want to respect his needs, but I am never going to be owned.

Nyle treated me like I was important, but desperately wanted me to be his. Acts of kindness do not mean you are ever entitled to someone else. I am tired of people not caring about my voice! I am tired of being responsible for feeling that are not my own.  I am tired of being demonized and thought of as in genuine when this is all just as confusing to me.

It’s only confusing because I am allowing myself to be riddled with guilt and heaviness from the expectations and definitions of good I have learned in this society. I am going to be controlled by the definition of a “good girl”. I’d rather have voice, thoughts, and power, and be bad, than to be docile and good.

I am not well behaved. I am not yours. I am not responsible for how you fucking feel about me, nor do you have a right to demonize me.

Nyle, I am sorry your home has changed. I am sorry that your best friend is pursuing me. You warned him not to, as I would too. But I also resent you. I resent that you feel so much ownership over me as to be mad at him for talking to me. It’s grown and grown since then, and you and I have grown and grown apart. I can’t be around you. I can’t be around someone who pretends to act like my friend, but is angry and possessive about me when I am not around.

I do not want your energy to be on my back anymore. I want you to let me go, and to not be angry anymore. I want you to realize I have nothing to do with you. We are so separate, and you are powerful in your own voice. The only thing I did wrong was to have different wants than you.

The way you are acting now shows me that you never loved me. This darkness is not love. It is not the response of a heartbreak either. It is possessive and a illusion of love by wanting ownership and not being able to have it. And I can promise at least this, I would run from anyone who tried to dictate ownership over me like you did.

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