“I studied for two hours” is not the same as “I understand more now”

I have been thinking about purpose. In life, a lot of careers and paths seem like “that’s it?” to me. I have a hard time visualizing myself in a career being happy and satisfied. I think I’m just starting to figure myself out.

I like things that I can grow through. That is something that is undeniable. I will love chess, slacklining, tennis, biology, whatever it is, not for the trade itself, but for the journey that I go through when improving. Pushing myself to grow is not always sweet or easy, but seeing growth is something that makes me happy.

I’m trying to take more notice and define those moments. I can motivate myself with progress. I do well in classes that are known to be challenging, because I’m attracted to the idea of proving to myself my capabilities.

Self talk:

Find your power through the little actions towards where you want to be. Don’t let yourself feel bad for yourself, be who you want to be! Because often the things that make us the saddest, can also make us the happiest. If there is something that especially stresses us out, then it can have the power to be an exceptionally negative or positive influence on us, so why not make it positive.

Bring energy and enthusiasm to what you do. Don’t let time control you. “I studied for two hours” is not the same as “I understand more”.

Strip away the final goals, and actualize your power now. As humans, we possess a great amount of power in our fingertips. Trees, wise and old as they grow, cannot move or manipulate the world in the way that we can. Voice, connections, movement, will power, decisiveness, and so much more are things that we posses.

Cherish that power, appreciate it, love it, and use it. Explore it. If you believe that the soul is all one, then you already know everything there is to know. But knowing all is not fun, experience is fun. We come here unknowing, unable to remember who we are, and experience the human emotions of extreme sadness, happiness, and we try to learn things, to be things, to accomplish things. It’s all beautiful experiences.

Darkness is attractive. Why? Because it feels so limitless. The ability to completely explore and experience power without having any type of moral conscience of when to stop. I think I have allowed myself to explore in a lot of ways the past year outside of defining myself by good or bad. We all should embrace both.

If we are all one, then there is no such thing as winning or losing. When I win, you losing is actually me losing too, because I don’t want you to lose. What any human has done, I can do too. Isn’t that kind of encouraging?

We try so hard to have power over all of these things that we can’t control, yet the mastering the things we do control, makes us more powerful than anything else. We don’t have to try to be powerful, we are.

This past weekend was great. I have been spending a lot of time with Boz lately, and getting much closer to him. It’s okay. I still miss Robert and am hurting from losing him. I think about him often, and I’m still not sure if I want to let him go.

I am lucky to have so many sweet people passing into my life. I will find a way that Robert can stay. Regardless of anything, I won’t forget what we shared. I’ll keep loving him as long as I know his name.

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