Maybe its the weariness of too much family small talk, or the faint fear of next semesters beginning, because today I have been recieving the comment “you look tired today” a few too many times. Oh yeah, thats just because I’m depressed at how dull and long life is, and how I have nothing to look forward to, and am no one in particular thats a fun person to spend my own life with (my self has been having a lot of arguments lately).
Did is spawn yesterday with the distantly related relative question about life goals and utterly consescending uncle who wants to walk you through questions begging your passions and visions for yourself, only to further illistrate the lack there of. I used to be a very different person. I was always in the top of whatever I was doing, somehow motivated by this egocentric competativeness that chisled these picturesque goals into my head. What are my passions? Ask me now, and I’ll tell you that today, I have failed because I have none. Frequent hours spent dwindling thumbs on touch screens to avoid the very boredness that used to motivate me as a child. I am a very different person now. I used to be organized and neat, yet monthes of laziness have stretched that to near extinxtion. I dont recognize my personality. Once thriving on attention, I find myself driven by manners to socialize at all. Am I too comfortable in my life? Am I afraid of living?
I was skiing this week, hence the whole Utah part of the title, and I learned more than just balance up on the mountain. I was terrified. Petrified, straight up unable to move at certain points. It was one of the hardest things to work through. I kept telling myself in steps, “ok first you have to feel calm. Find that, now move your ankles to the left- TO THE LEFT!!” But I couldnt move down the mountain until I was calm, so many people never go down the mountain because its easier than facing the petrifying fear.
I had to be calm before I could focus on anything else. Thats what I tell myself in these moments of life crisis where Ive done nothing, know nothing, am nothing, and feel nothing. Its okay to not know these things! I’m 19! (trust me, that commentary isnt for you)
Its so hard to accept that life is a path sometimes and not be hard on myself for just being eh. But calmness comes first, then action, then progress.
My goal is to be less success driven and more progress driven.