I find refuge in being alone despite how appealing people are to me.
Foggy windows in the soup kitchen
creeping up the edges of the glass
Slick black pavement outside
All the people crowd around the warmth
Indian tastes alert my toungue
As the warmth flows through me
My headphones rest on the table
I watch silently instead
Babies have an alliance as do their parents
Talking about growing and personalities
A waiter jumps to wipe down another table
Proud of you, pride of you
The black outline of redwoods
Under the fog and mist that paints the sky
The warm soup kitchen waits with open arms
Swarming voices
Add to the fog on the windows
The House Across the Way
The House Across The Way
I’m here
Why is q st never marked
The red barn
The house…
I looked through the windows
How eerie for it to be
A home of friends
An empty window
I look for shadows
Then furniture
I know its over because the bikes are gone
We have plum trees that are in season
A decorated bedroom
Home away from home turned forever
The beginning of it
The end too
Blue steps to a red door
Freshman year my first party with my first crush
I was so proud to be a friend
We knew each other
Backpacking the Trinity Alps
Today i am writing this from the top of the most beautiful waterfall I have ever trekked to.
White noise and white clouds
Clear shimmering surface
Disappearing more quickly than you came
My heart beats as i convince myself that i have done this before
Eyes straight out into the exposure
I lose sight
So many days go by where I haven’t lived this much by 4:00.
My hair is cold from the dip today
Snowmelt doesnt stop the allure of waterfalls
White green brown plants have taken residance on me
I am one brave butt
What is it without instagram
My pee stains the granite
I am a waterfall!
This is better than any orgasm
indication that I’m letting go
Disconnect and unplug
Who will I tell but myself
Sometimes school is hard,
But at least I have places to play
What is there to be afraid of
Things that are easy feel good
But things that are hard make you better
I am a wee little person
On a big rock
With water streaming down it
Wow! I just embraced my fears and did a headstand on the edge of this waterfall! Instead convincing yourself that your not afraid- be congruent and embrace the fear, and move on. Talk about exposure!
No photos today!
“I studied for two hours” is not the same as “I understand more now”
I have been thinking about purpose. In life, a lot of careers and paths seem like “that’s it?” to me. I have a hard time visualizing myself in a career being happy and satisfied. I think I’m just starting to figure myself out.
I like things that I can grow through. That is something that is undeniable. I will love chess, slacklining, tennis, biology, whatever it is, not for the trade itself, but for the journey that I go through when improving. Pushing myself to grow is not always sweet or easy, but seeing growth is something that makes me happy.
I’m trying to take more notice and define those moments. I can motivate myself with progress. I do well in classes that are known to be challenging, because I’m attracted to the idea of proving to myself my capabilities.
Self talk:
Find your power through the little actions towards where you want to be. Don’t let yourself feel bad for yourself, be who you want to be! Because often the things that make us the saddest, can also make us the happiest. If there is something that especially stresses us out, then it can have the power to be an exceptionally negative or positive influence on us, so why not make it positive.
Bring energy and enthusiasm to what you do. Don’t let time control you. “I studied for two hours” is not the same as “I understand more”.
Strip away the final goals, and actualize your power now. As humans, we possess a great amount of power in our fingertips. Trees, wise and old as they grow, cannot move or manipulate the world in the way that we can. Voice, connections, movement, will power, decisiveness, and so much more are things that we posses.
Cherish that power, appreciate it, love it, and use it. Explore it. If you believe that the soul is all one, then you already know everything there is to know. But knowing all is not fun, experience is fun. We come here unknowing, unable to remember who we are, and experience the human emotions of extreme sadness, happiness, and we try to learn things, to be things, to accomplish things. It’s all beautiful experiences.
Darkness is attractive. Why? Because it feels so limitless. The ability to completely explore and experience power without having any type of moral conscience of when to stop. I think I have allowed myself to explore in a lot of ways the past year outside of defining myself by good or bad. We all should embrace both.
If we are all one, then there is no such thing as winning or losing. When I win, you losing is actually me losing too, because I don’t want you to lose. What any human has done, I can do too. Isn’t that kind of encouraging?
We try so hard to have power over all of these things that we can’t control, yet the mastering the things we do control, makes us more powerful than anything else. We don’t have to try to be powerful, we are.
This past weekend was great. I have been spending a lot of time with Boz lately, and getting much closer to him. It’s okay. I still miss Robert and am hurting from losing him. I think about him often, and I’m still not sure if I want to let him go.
I am lucky to have so many sweet people passing into my life. I will find a way that Robert can stay. Regardless of anything, I won’t forget what we shared. I’ll keep loving him as long as I know his name.
Not Okay
It’s not okay to be the person that causes harm. It always ends up being to the ones that love me, that I destroy. (Name changed for privacy reasons) Nyle McLin was the sweetest man I knew. I say was, not because he is gone, but because something has happened to him.
His home, his mind, his state of peace are all different because of me. I came in to his life innocently, a light hearted girl. He fell deeply in love with me, or so as he defined love.
I’m not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. Or if I do, it’s not to last.
The thing about relationships is that they aren’t defined by monogamy or by the standards that society places on us. I’m tired of people demonizing me just for not knowing what I want. I am sorry, Nyle, that I caused your home to go from being full of music and people and laughter to an empty and messy place. I am sorry you made the mistake of loving me, even though I asked you not to. I am sorry that I spent the night so many times at your house, but not in your room.
I am sorry that I might love your (now old) best friend. But I cannot say that I am bad because of it. All I can say is if you really loved me, and him, you would not hold on so tightly.
I am a destroyer, possibly. I admit that may be a truth. I don’t think everyone sees me that way, or that I have had that impact on everyone’s life.
(name changed for privacy purposes) William didn’t hold on to me. He showed me his world, just like you did, and he saw me run in it and love it. He let me go when I asked without reason. He loves me. That is love. Love is encouraging people to feel however they feel and to trust that they honor you and are not trying to use you or harm you. William allowing me that, has allowed me to feel an enormous amount of respect and love for him.
I understand that it’s difficult to cope with. I think you are right. I think a lot has been done wrong. I think wrong is subjective. I think this whole life is arbitrary. I don’t think I should matter so much to you, to make you question who you are as an individual. I am not trying to harm you, but my pursuing of my own heart has.
Am I responsible?
(name changed for privacy reasons) Dane probably has seen the most of this chaos and tried the most to help me through it. He has been put on the line many times, but I also have chosen him above Nyle and above my beloved William. I am still terribly conflicted about this decision and Dane can see it in my hesitation at times.
I am too exhausted of relationships to put energy into deciphering how I feel further. This is a mess, and I am tired of hurting people. I am tired of demands to be exclusive and monogamous, when all that feels like to me is ownership. I want to love Dane, I want to respect his needs, but I am never going to be owned.
Nyle treated me like I was important, but desperately wanted me to be his. Acts of kindness do not mean you are ever entitled to someone else. I am tired of people not caring about my voice! I am tired of being responsible for feeling that are not my own. I am tired of being demonized and thought of as in genuine when this is all just as confusing to me.
It’s only confusing because I am allowing myself to be riddled with guilt and heaviness from the expectations and definitions of good I have learned in this society. I am going to be controlled by the definition of a “good girl”. I’d rather have voice, thoughts, and power, and be bad, than to be docile and good.
I am not well behaved. I am not yours. I am not responsible for how you fucking feel about me, nor do you have a right to demonize me.
Nyle, I am sorry your home has changed. I am sorry that your best friend is pursuing me. You warned him not to, as I would too. But I also resent you. I resent that you feel so much ownership over me as to be mad at him for talking to me. It’s grown and grown since then, and you and I have grown and grown apart. I can’t be around you. I can’t be around someone who pretends to act like my friend, but is angry and possessive about me when I am not around.
I do not want your energy to be on my back anymore. I want you to let me go, and to not be angry anymore. I want you to realize I have nothing to do with you. We are so separate, and you are powerful in your own voice. The only thing I did wrong was to have different wants than you.
The way you are acting now shows me that you never loved me. This darkness is not love. It is not the response of a heartbreak either. It is possessive and a illusion of love by wanting ownership and not being able to have it. And I can promise at least this, I would run from anyone who tried to dictate ownership over me like you did.
9.22 Goals
Hello,
I have been in a happy place the past few days. This is surprising considering the large Organic Chemistry exam I have coming up tomorrow.
School is stressful. It overtakes you, it makes it hard to be at peace because I should always be doing something. I should always be working harder. I should…
This mind set actually translates negatively in the work place I think. In the real world you don’t have to be haunted by your work at all waking and sleeping hours. You are allowed to take off your shoes and have a breath. You work hard and then you let go and keep moving.
This is where I want to be. I want to approach my school work with a calmer mind. This is something I am going to do and it’s okay. I can be happy while I do it, and I can permit myself to let it go when I want to.
I went through some heavy emotional stuff the past month or two, but finally am feeling much more balanced and at peace. I am still not alone or independent enough, but I am happy. I have a partner who is really good for me in so many ways. I am motivated and focused. I will set goals every day and evaluate how I reached them.
Yesterday my goal was to have a longer attention span, to be engaged and excited about what I was doing (mentally present in studies), and finally to dedicate a certain amount of time to school.
I reached those goals, but I was still disctracted, still didn’t dedicate all the time I wanted to, but I did get all of the things I NEEDED to get done, done. However, the studying is lacking.
My goals for today are to a) concentrate for an hour at a time. Time yourself. If you lose concentration, write that down. b) have my phone off ALL day c) work smart. Designate what you need to know, and know it. Understand the bigger picture and work inward. c) REACTIONS REACTIONS REACTIONS
Happy 4th of July
I went to a pool party next to the rose bowl last night. I noticed some differences from the parties I am used to. People were very fashionable and there was a lot of color in clothing choice as well as diversity level. Conversations were harder though- there seemed to be an overall level of ego that everyone had. Usually at humboldt i feel like everyones generally super easy to talk to. I’m glad I’m developing in such an open and embracive community- but it also reminded me that there are a lot of social unspoken rules that exist, and even if I dont decide to abide by them its a good idea to be aware. In LA i think everyone (generalization) is hyper aware of these social rules- which is no fun because it leads to taking yourself too seriously, which is the overall vibe i got.
Identity
Our generation’s identity is so projected into social media and others perceptions of them, I wonder who we are without the smoke and mirrors. We are used to investing energy into our public image, and our true image reflects a lack of attention. Progress is slow on my part, but to actualize the vision of myself I have as an adult, I will need to retrain many of my habits, including:
- Disconnecting my self image with social media and shallow attributes like beauty, and reconnecting with my individual self image in my free time. This would include motivations of just to do things because I want to, and growing without any external influences.
- Altheticism: Pushing myself to new pysical heights by working out to the point of exhaustion and not just giving up or being lazy
- Reading: I want to choose knowledge over social media. This is a big battle for me because I have had a bad habbit of hardly reading in the past few years, and that is not indicative of the educated adult I want to be.
- Creativity: writing and drawing and expressing myself creatively in my free time every day.
- Work: Create lists and visions and goals with clear deadlines. Be willing to put in more work than needed, always overestimate and be willing to push yourself to work harder to reach your expections.
It is not difficult to make these choices. I need to make them so I can progress to larger battles. I can be a voice of such laziness and stuborness at times. Battling that voice is unproductive and unhinging. I am ready to leave that behind.
Paisley Playground 