Week 1 of Cash Only

I decided I’m not including gas in this budget because it falls into my monthly expenses with rent and utilities.

day 1- Friday: $10 on 2 burritos (one for sheamus) day I was driving to Tuolomne to see him, and I had to bring some LA mexican food

Day 2 – Saturday, my day in Tuollomne! I hung out with sheamus, his family, and his town. Treated to everything by his mom. 

Day 3- Sunday. We are roadtripping today. We stop to visit sheamus’ family . I buy a burrito and jarritos for $3. We pick up Rose in Woodland and drive by Clear Lake and the 101.  Its sunset half the drive and breathtaking. I have a migraine from the trip so Sheamus’ aunt give me an edible… I’m high as a kite the whole way home.

Day 4- Sunday. Buy lunch for $5.13 (the exact amount of change I had!) on my work lunch with my coworker Emma. I had an overall productive day.  Sheamus calls me at four and is looking forward to seeing me, I get off at 5 and drive to his house. We go shopping for curry and end up seeing progresso soups on sale for $0.99! We spend $25.50 on soups, and curry supplies (mostly soups) 

Day 5- I have $4.50 left. Goodmorning. Today is Sheamus’ birthday!!!! 

Home

To me having my own home is having a space thats organized and inviting. I want to make my own space cute and my own. That is my goal for this week, aside from working. 

I want to doubt my relationship with sheamus less… because it makes it so every time theres a little problem it turns into something way bigger. 

I’m back in Humboldt, hi! The road trip up was really nice, I’ve been exploring music a lot more. I am using spotify and I really like it. I’m looking forward to exploring even more. 

Yesterday Sheamus and I made an awesome curry dinner. 

Standing Together or Alone? 

His shoulders slump next to me and I feel alone for the first time since last night. Who is this girl that awkwardly fumbles to hold his hand? And has a few short breaths of words to say? Am I tinted by the shades of what I think he expects in me? Or Am I not bold enough to truly honor and trust who I am to be enough. I want to be the girl who isnt afraid and always has something to say- how I am with my own family. A relationship with someone else should not be stronger than the one within yourself. I cant hear my voice over all the clutter of shoulds and would bes. Are those my own or foreign? I cant tell the difference anymore and thats the most frusturating part. I trust him more than I trust myself. Maybe because I know him more than I know myself. I9, and a stranger to the one person who shouldn’t be. I wonder if relationships take away from my self journey, if I am struggling to stand on my own because I have had the luxury of leaning. 

Car Ride With All 7

dont loose cell service
all the robots wont be able to figure it out
you cant open your gas cap without them
the whole galaxy is spinning
what if the whole galaxy rotated around Earth?
they used to think that, churches rejected Capernicus’ heliocentric system
but he’s like you’re not the center of the universe
losing cell service is a national emergency
i feel like we are already cyborgs
we rely so heavily on our phones
they’re always with us
what if cell phones were just implanted in your palm and projected your thoughts
creating the super cyborg race
except the slippery slope of intelligence that surpasses our own
I imagine a bycicle that dispenses salt wherever it rides
I dont want to ski sigh
just think you could be this tired at school
i AM missing school to ski
I’ll have some ketchup to do
dad you made your cell phone fall!
National emergency
why are horse shoes lucky?
lucky charms serial duh
Lu, Which do you think came first, lucky charms or the cereal?
Well four leaf clovers were not lucky UNTIL the cereal came out

Why I Look Tired Today 

Maybe its the weariness of too much family small talk, or the faint fear of next semesters beginning, because today I have been recieving the comment “you look tired today” a few too many times. Oh yeah, thats just because I’m depressed at how dull and long life is, and how I have nothing to look forward to, and am no one in particular thats a fun person to spend my own life with (my self has been having a lot of arguments lately).

 Did is spawn yesterday with the distantly related relative question about life goals and utterly consescending uncle who wants to walk you through questions begging your passions and visions for yourself, only to further illistrate the lack there of. I used to be a very different person. I was always in the top of whatever I was doing, somehow motivated by this egocentric competativeness that chisled these picturesque goals into my head. What are my passions? Ask me now, and I’ll tell you that today, I have failed because I have none. Frequent hours spent dwindling thumbs on touch screens to avoid the very boredness that used to motivate me as a child. I am a very different person now. I used to be organized and neat, yet monthes of laziness have stretched that to near extinxtion. I dont recognize my personality. Once thriving on attention, I find myself driven by manners to socialize at all. Am I too comfortable in my life? Am I afraid of living?

I was skiing this week, hence the whole Utah part of the title, and I learned more than just balance up on the mountain. I was terrified. Petrified, straight up unable to move at certain points. It was one of the hardest things to work through. I kept telling myself in steps, “ok first you have to feel calm. Find that, now move your ankles to the left- TO THE LEFT!!” But I couldnt move down the mountain until I was calm, so many people never go down the mountain because its easier than facing the petrifying fear.

I had to be calm before I could focus on anything else. Thats what I tell myself in these moments of life crisis where Ive done nothing, know nothing, am nothing, and feel nothing. Its okay to not know these things! I’m 19! (trust me, that commentary isnt for you) 

Its so hard to accept that life is a path sometimes and not be hard on myself for just being eh. But calmness comes first, then action, then progress.

My goal is to be less success driven and more progress driven.