They tie my in bubble wrap
Except an opening for my pockets
I try to speak but only squeaks come out
Silently abiding
Tied to a home
“I am elder to you” she says
I’m not accustomed to obeying.
Don’t worry.
They say when I have a thought.
Just come, just come.
Premium costs for the foreigner friend.
You owe me this much,
Demanding.
And I obey,
Silent and dumb.
Wrapping me in bubble wrap.
You must be careful,
They council.
It’s dangerous out there
Never allowing me to be alone.
A foreigner girl…
Half mute half dumb-
What would she do without us?
That’ll be 2000 rupees please
And we got you a 1000 discount
So you owe us that too.
The mosquitos suck my blood at night
I can hear their hissing.
I don’t mind.
I have enough to share.

I cut my hair and put my armor on.
A warrior doesn’t have time for vanity.
With closed eyes, I exhale.

I love my mind
I have such a beautiful mind
Mantras to recite
Encouraging less resistance
To peace
To understanding
Maybe those two words are synnonymous
Ha is this a poem?
Why do I always have to trick myself into writing poems
My hair feels so free!
I am here
I am alive
I am in my mind
How many things I need to think about
How could I do anything else
Thinking is the first part of surviving
I am not making sense
But I’m over making sense!
The words know me better than I know the words.
Speak and understand later.
Allow
I allow love.
I allow growth.
I allow peace.
I allow myself to step on my landmines.
I allow myself to work on my barriers
I allow myself to grow!!
Mantras for the mind,
Mantras for the soul.
What is the purpose of life?
My life?
All our lives?
What is valuable to care about?
And why care at all?
Normally, I never have time for questions like this.

I’m sitting on a train right now.
Seated for a 5 hour journey from Ajmer to Udaipur
Squeezed into a seat facing 6 across from me, 2 to my left, and three to my right.
Not counting kids.
One of the earliest signs of communication babies learn is shared attention.
I feel like the best way to learn a new language is to erase all the attachment to words we gave our lives to.
I have spent so long trying to articulate,
But how long have I spent understanding what is beneath the words?
Unlearning to learn.
We speak limited Hindi, but point together to my book.
A man next to me smiles as he flips through his phone of pictures of his life.
I speak like a child, only able to offer my attention.
Hello.
There are so many wonderful people in this world.
Where do I stand among them?

Strong, I repeat as I walk into the water.
strong, so what is strong?
strong muscle and strong jaw
or strong in mind? 
strong in birth, strong in motherhood.
Do you know strong?
Because I was born from strong, to be strong.

Today the beach went by me.
A strung between two trees carries my weight.
I point my toes
and mind.
why do I pursue this maddness?
I walk with only one direction.

The sensation of your invitation
Fills my entire body with excitement
I feel my feet sinking
So easy just to say
And now
you’re at home in my mind.
platonic group cuddles where our toes touch
where fingertips say, hello.
suddenly I’m exploring your hand
my pointer finger gently traces the outside of yours as you squeeze a little
No one knows that I’m not watching the movie at all.
because now your fingertips are sweeping down my spine gently.
If you could see the pleasure spilling across my face…
Holy crap what is going on?
I didn’t even know I liked you now I feel like I love you and
this is dangerous.
Lust is a dangerous game.
Zapping through my palms and heating my entire body.
I do not want to go anywhere but closer.
Am I drunk on touch?
I force myself free.
With the start of a car,
I regretfully follow what’s left of my mind.
Raleigh, I say to myself.
You are in for trouble-
seduced by just that?
If they knew how much pleasure it gave me,
we’d all laugh.

A week off
and the possibilities are endless
Family gatherings
Utah madness
Red rocks and long car rides
Nevada on the way
Or maybe just pop down to San Diego and LA.

I guess I should say something about the recent election. Does it make you as sick as it makes me? I can accept that people like trump exist, but I cannot believe that they exist everywhere. I am heartbroken not at him, but at the own friends in my own corridors. I live with a friend who brightens my day even if he doesn’t understand privilege or social justice. But it changes everything – I can’t believe it. I can’t believe he voted for him. It’s so disgusting and dark. I am so scared. I am scared for the people of this country that are already in the shadows. We are a great country, but we are founded on deep pillars of injustice. I cannot pretend to ignore the suffering that is coming. I am so afraid. I am afraid for Muslims, who have already been the brunt of too much racism. I think of people like Moises, whose families are now in jeopardy. He is the worst possible reality I could imagine.how did we get this place of such darkness? How did so many people become so dark? Will there be a day when I am ready to fight?

Charging me as your last.
Your last and maybe you’re only.
Maybe you are only a child.
Maybe I never loved at all.
Solace fines as solace needs.
Pay me and broken promises and glass dollar bills.
Or chess pieces – I like the latter.
If I ignore you time and time maybe it’s time maybe it’s time maybe it’s time to listen to the silence!
One day I will be stronger.
One day I will do better things with my time.
Better and stronger better and stronger
one day I am going to be better and stronger!
Challenge me with my sadness.
It makes it more attainable.
I wouldn’t find you in the darkness.
I wouldn’t want to anyways.
You are not light.
But you are something human, and you are something beautiful. Enter my past and stay out of my present.
You are something beautiful that is not welcome anymore.
So please find another heart to occupy.
Understand my silence to say, “fuck you. ”
And take it with a grain of salt, because we all know how much I loved you.
But when you sent three messages and I neglect to reply don’t take it as an accident.
 

Failing at existing
My eyes close for too many hours
I miss my appointments again
I am fighting losing battles
I tip my king again.
Drousy lonely person I am.
Finding solace in sleep.
Hours and hours of my life disapear
Lost in the abiss of drepression
Craving to break the solitude of my room
But instead I lock the door.
I can hear my roommates voices-
I wonder if each day they are as sad as me.
Even in waking I sleep