A week off
and the possibilities are endless
Family gatherings
Utah madness
Red rocks and long car rides
Nevada on the way
Or maybe just pop down to San Diego and LA.

I guess I should say something about the recent election. Does it make you as sick as it makes me? I can accept that people like trump exist, but I cannot believe that they exist everywhere. I am heartbroken not at him, but at the own friends in my own corridors. I live with a friend who brightens my day even if he doesn’t understand privilege or social justice. But it changes everything – I can’t believe it. I can’t believe he voted for him. It’s so disgusting and dark. I am so scared. I am scared for the people of this country that are already in the shadows. We are a great country, but we are founded on deep pillars of injustice. I cannot pretend to ignore the suffering that is coming. I am so afraid. I am afraid for Muslims, who have already been the brunt of too much racism. I think of people like Moises, whose families are now in jeopardy. He is the worst possible reality I could imagine.how did we get this place of such darkness? How did so many people become so dark? Will there be a day when I am ready to fight?

Charging me as your last.
Your last and maybe you’re only.
Maybe you are only a child.
Maybe I never loved at all.
Solace fines as solace needs.
Pay me and broken promises and glass dollar bills.
Or chess pieces – I like the latter.
If I ignore you time and time maybe it’s time maybe it’s time maybe it’s time to listen to the silence!
One day I will be stronger.
One day I will do better things with my time.
Better and stronger better and stronger
one day I am going to be better and stronger!
Challenge me with my sadness.
It makes it more attainable.
I wouldn’t find you in the darkness.
I wouldn’t want to anyways.
You are not light.
But you are something human, and you are something beautiful. Enter my past and stay out of my present.
You are something beautiful that is not welcome anymore.
So please find another heart to occupy.
Understand my silence to say, “fuck you. ”
And take it with a grain of salt, because we all know how much I loved you.
But when you sent three messages and I neglect to reply don’t take it as an accident.
 

Failing at existing
My eyes close for too many hours
I miss my appointments again
I am fighting losing battles
I tip my king again.
Drousy lonely person I am.
Finding solace in sleep.
Hours and hours of my life disapear
Lost in the abiss of drepression
Craving to break the solitude of my room
But instead I lock the door.
I can hear my roommates voices-
I wonder if each day they are as sad as me.
Even in waking I sleep

Black cushion seats, thank you.
Morning sun, I am happy to see you rise.
A cement cemetary surrounded by redwoods.
This is my first time at the Arcata airport.
“Ma’am I do not think you have a dog on your reservation”
Busted.
Didn’t think anyone would notice the pup in your carry on?
Alexia has made a blog!
A security guard searches for a phone.
Small airports are where it’s at.
There’s only one gate and two airlines.
You can go anywhere you want if it’s SF or PDX.
I’m the latter.
Heading to Portland in some route towards Palm Springs.

Do you ever wonder if you are intelligent?
Sometimes my chess moves are just sacrifices.
I forget before I have even tried to learn.

I feel this way about slacklining too.
I think, “I have so much potential.”
Arrogance is met with lack of progress.
I learn my lesson quickly.

Humans minds are egotystically aware of themselves.
Intelligence we measure by our own consciousness.
Which may be biased too.
So we think, “I am so intelligent.”
But what do we really know about intelligence?

If you were brilliant,
You’d know by now.
Go to sleep.

Tear streaks line the bags under my eyes
Last night I stared at the ceiling
Hoping that I could fall asleep
How could we have chosen him?
Crashing breaking screeching
The Canadian immigration website is down
My stomach feels like it’s digesting broken glass
Red everywhere.
We have lost something great.

My head is heavy in my hands.
We will be the future.
I am meant to fight.
This body, this mind, this path.
Light only shines when surrounded by darkness,
A friend once told me.

Yesterday.
Sunny beaches and crisp air was met with the dark reality of an election.
A phone call from someone who I thought would be a life long mentor.
A mentor that is dark and full of illusions.
I will not bow down to you any longer.
I can feel her darkness sinking in.
Poisonous lips on the other line.
I can hang up if I want to.
I know how to protect myself now.
You are darkness and I will not let you in.

I surround us in a ball of protective light.
Concentrating on the message,
Only love can enter.
I need this protection too.
I must say goodbye to my friend today.
What will I do without you?
I do not like expressing sadness,
But I have loved you too long.
A chain of rocks surround her belly.
Protecting her light.
A light that all can see,
and she is willing to share.
Even if people don’t deserve to be let in.
Let me protect you!
I will be light too!
Shouting again from the windowsill.

Small and defeated,
How can I sleep?
Trump is our president.
Someone who founded their campaign on the claim that
People from Mexico are rapists and murderers?
Why America, why?
A dark sea of red fills our government
Led by fear and hate.
You are all darkness!
Why is there so much darkness?

The ceiling offers no condolence.
Tomorrow I have so much due,
and I have to choose.
Where is it the most important that I am?
With her.
My last day to seek refuge in her presence.
My last day with her light.
I whisper spells of protection.
Energy is all I know of God.

Apathy is not the answer.
Silence is not the answer.
Everything in the fabric of my life
Has been preparing me to fight.
We are the future.
We are strong.
We are focused.

What am I if I cannot do what I ask of myself?
Why give in to our deep gratification
when I am not yet deserving.
Privilege is as privilege does.
I have had so much placed in my favor,
Yet I stand here twiddling my thumbs.
Internal wars rage on,
and I check my instagram.
I am in the luxury of a world
Where work and play are optional.
I am in the luxury of a mother
Who offers to carry me forward.
How can I deny what I am so far from achieving alone?
Privilege I am granted again.
This darkness is no one’s doing but my own.
I sit alone.
I sit here alone in my own darkness.
But I gratify myself anyways with obscure plane tickets
And fresh fruit and vegetables.
I am a product of your toils,
Yet I avoid my own.
I am dirt to you,
But you continue to lift me high.
Children are parasites to their creators.
I bring you low,
But you push high.
I do not deserve you.
My breath is heavy with guilt,
Because I still talk to you with teenage hints of contempt.
I catch myself but it is too late.
Will I ever be someone who I admire,
Will I ever be more responsible,
Will I ever hold my tongue,
And replace sour with love.
Like you have so willingly done over and over for me.
I do not deserve this.
Why do parents love their children?
So dearly too!
Why did you choose to love me even when we talk so seldomly?
I cannot bear to be your burden.
But I cannot bear to be without you.
A child of your womb,
I am maybe just genetically you,
And loving a child is loving a legacy.
But I still do not understand the depth.
Forever I am in gratitude to you.
Maybe I can make some honor to you with this life.
Maybe I can make my presence here worth the food I eat and the space I inhabit.
Some days I feel like I am all darkness.
I miss my family.
But I am not lonely.
Just alone in a different way.
I’ll treat myself again.

I am wandering, or maybe I am lost. What’s the difference and who cares anyway. I was lost at home too. At least here I’m lost intentionally. Sadness is a pattern that I am trying to break. I lay in the grass, my skin guzzling in the sunshine. I am in love with this silence. It fills me up. I am warm and silent and calm.

I may have an incomplete to do list, but I am not a to do list. I am anger. I am happiness. I am everything human. I am love. I am hate. I am laziness. I am competence. I am brilliance. I am nothingness. But I am not a to do list.

Sometimes I forget the way that I can follow people’s eyes when they speak. I can hear their hands move and listen to the tilt of their shoulders. I hear so much more when I listen past the words.

All my deepest desires are shared. We are the same in so many ways. Maybe I’ll start understanding you so that one day I can understand me. If I want to be understood, and ultimately loved, then of course you do too. There is power in my silence. I am reading. I am learning. I am watching.

The sun leaves my back and the breeze feels colder. I am a follower of the climate like the wind. Rising with the warmth and falling with the cool, I travel based on temperatures.

Fingerprints on his windsheild
Functioning in madness
Silly and too lovable
I am enamored by you

Can I please carry you with me,
Sweet days of self-acceptance.
I’ll always remember how you
Listen.

I hope I can be to you
What you are to me.
Will a swelling heart,
I say goodbye.