Fresh Fruit and Veggies

What am I if I cannot do what I ask of myself?
Why give in to our deep gratification
when I am not yet deserving.
Privilege is as privilege does.
I have had so much placed in my favor,
Yet I stand here twiddling my thumbs.
Internal wars rage on,
and I check my instagram.
I am in the luxury of a world
Where work and play are optional.
I am in the luxury of a mother
Who offers to carry me forward.
How can I deny what I am so far from achieving alone?
Privilege I am granted again.
This darkness is no one’s doing but my own.
I sit alone.
I sit here alone in my own darkness.
But I gratify myself anyways with obscure plane tickets
And fresh fruit and vegetables.
I am a product of your toils,
Yet I avoid my own.
I am dirt to you,
But you continue to lift me high.
Children are parasites to their creators.
I bring you low,
But you push high.
I do not deserve you.
My breath is heavy with guilt,
Because I still talk to you with teenage hints of contempt.
I catch myself but it is too late.
Will I ever be someone who I admire,
Will I ever be more responsible,
Will I ever hold my tongue,
And replace sour with love.
Like you have so willingly done over and over for me.
I do not deserve this.
Why do parents love their children?
So dearly too!
Why did you choose to love me even when we talk so seldomly?
I cannot bear to be your burden.
But I cannot bear to be without you.
A child of your womb,
I am maybe just genetically you,
And loving a child is loving a legacy.
But I still do not understand the depth.
Forever I am in gratitude to you.
Maybe I can make some honor to you with this life.
Maybe I can make my presence here worth the food I eat and the space I inhabit.
Some days I feel like I am all darkness.
I miss my family.
But I am not lonely.
Just alone in a different way.
I’ll treat myself again.

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