To be attached to someone is an interesting phenomena. I wonder if I wasnt attached if I would feel as bored without you. Maybe I am bored with you sometimes, but maybe thats just the boredom I’m comfortable with.
The past two days Sheamus has been very busy and school hasnt started yet for me. I’ve been so lonely and bored. I hung out with a few friends but keep going back to checking the time to see when he is free.
I wonder if he thinks I’m as silly as I do. Being attached is weird. Man, I’m up for a hard time in a few months.
Should I start practicing and detaching now or is that just too sad? How do you love and invest in some thing you know is going to end.
Simple, if you’re smart, you don’t.
When I was at home before going to college, I used to pride myself on my independence. I found some sort of excitement from preparing for the next step in my life. “I’m going to be so good at college” I thought. I envisioned myself more than just the basics of in class, but cooking for myself, managin money well, choosing constructive outlets, and being overwelmingly self-sufficient.
Pride. Its interesting how a piece of identity such as pride can be such a strong motivater and force within itself. The phraise “I am proud to be independent” is so empowering in itself.
My second year in college I was much more adjusted to living on my own, and I didnt think about being independent from my parents because it just was. But I want to cherish that feeling of being so proud. I think it creates a positive self image to have traites that you are conciously proud of.
There is nothing quite like a clean room. I am so in love with looking past my toes at the rainbow closet of all my favorite things on display. The cute well places lights that line my bulliten board of adventures. I am in love with the feeling of being home and able to fully relax without the harsh realization that I really have so much to do.
I am in love with a clean room, with organization, and with having a home. I’m proud of my space and I will continue to make it more and more my own.
This is my house, i decided yesterday. When Shane and Izzy are gone, I’m staying, and I’m having who I want move in.
Rock climbing today was a great adventure. We went for Sheamus’ birthday and I was so happy to be outside. I was proud of myself for reaching new heights that I hadn’t before on this route.
Aside from leaving my wet suit at the beach (hopefully I can return to it tomorrow) everything went smoothly. swimming in the ocean was soooo amazing!! I loved it so much. Overall, it was a very good day.
Unfortunately, I broke my $50 a week rule and bought myself a harness that I needed to continue my rock climbing habit (hoping to build it more!) Also, a burger for sheamus and I for dinner.
Back to work tomorrow.
I decided I’m not including gas in this budget because it falls into my monthly expenses with rent and utilities.
day 1- Friday: $10 on 2 burritos (one for sheamus) day I was driving to Tuolomne to see him, and I had to bring some LA mexican food
Day 2 – Saturday, my day in Tuollomne! I hung out with sheamus, his family, and his town. Treated to everything by his mom.
Day 3- Sunday. We are roadtripping today. We stop to visit sheamus’ family . I buy a burrito and jarritos for $3. We pick up Rose in Woodland and drive by Clear Lake and the 101. Its sunset half the drive and breathtaking. I have a migraine from the trip so Sheamus’ aunt give me an edible… I’m high as a kite the whole way home.
Day 4- Sunday. Buy lunch for $5.13 (the exact amount of change I had!) on my work lunch with my coworker Emma. I had an overall productive day. Sheamus calls me at four and is looking forward to seeing me, I get off at 5 and drive to his house. We go shopping for curry and end up seeing progresso soups on sale for $0.99! We spend $25.50 on soups, and curry supplies (mostly soups)
Day 5- I have $4.50 left. Goodmorning. Today is Sheamus’ birthday!!!!
To me having my own home is having a space thats organized and inviting. I want to make my own space cute and my own. That is my goal for this week, aside from working.
I want to doubt my relationship with sheamus less… because it makes it so every time theres a little problem it turns into something way bigger.
I’m back in Humboldt, hi! The road trip up was really nice, I’ve been exploring music a lot more. I am using spotify and I really like it. I’m looking forward to exploring even more.
Yesterday Sheamus and I made an awesome curry dinner.
His shoulders slump next to me and I feel alone for the first time since last night. Who is this girl that awkwardly fumbles to hold his hand? And has a few short breaths of words to say? Am I tinted by the shades of what I think he expects in me? Or Am I not bold enough to truly honor and trust who I am to be enough. I want to be the girl who isnt afraid and always has something to say- how I am with my own family. A relationship with someone else should not be stronger than the one within yourself. I cant hear my voice over all the clutter of shoulds and would bes. Are those my own or foreign? I cant tell the difference anymore and thats the most frusturating part. I trust him more than I trust myself. Maybe because I know him more than I know myself. I9, and a stranger to the one person who shouldn’t be. I wonder if relationships take away from my self journey, if I am struggling to stand on my own because I have had the luxury of leaning.