Black cushion seats, thank you.
Morning sun, I am happy to see you rise.
A cement cemetary surrounded by redwoods.
This is my first time at the Arcata airport.
“Ma’am I do not think you have a dog on your reservation”
Busted.
Didn’t think anyone would notice the pup in your carry on?
Alexia has made a blog!
A security guard searches for a phone.
Small airports are where it’s at.
There’s only one gate and two airlines.
You can go anywhere you want if it’s SF or PDX.
I’m the latter.
Heading to Portland in some route towards Palm Springs.
Author: paisleyplayground
Self-Eval
Do you ever wonder if you are intelligent?
Sometimes my chess moves are just sacrifices.
I forget before I have even tried to learn.
I feel this way about slacklining too.
I think, “I have so much potential.”
Arrogance is met with lack of progress.
I learn my lesson quickly.
Humans minds are egotystically aware of themselves.
Intelligence we measure by our own consciousness.
Which may be biased too.
So we think, “I am so intelligent.”
But what do we really know about intelligence?
If you were brilliant,
You’d know by now.
Go to sleep.
Light and Dark
Tear streaks line the bags under my eyes
Last night I stared at the ceiling
Hoping that I could fall asleep
How could we have chosen him?
Crashing breaking screeching
The Canadian immigration website is down
My stomach feels like it’s digesting broken glass
Red everywhere.
We have lost something great.
My head is heavy in my hands.
We will be the future.
I am meant to fight.
This body, this mind, this path.
Light only shines when surrounded by darkness,
A friend once told me.
Yesterday.
Sunny beaches and crisp air was met with the dark reality of an election.
A phone call from someone who I thought would be a life long mentor.
A mentor that is dark and full of illusions.
I will not bow down to you any longer.
I can feel her darkness sinking in.
Poisonous lips on the other line.
I can hang up if I want to.
I know how to protect myself now.
You are darkness and I will not let you in.
I surround us in a ball of protective light.
Concentrating on the message,
Only love can enter.
I need this protection too.
I must say goodbye to my friend today.
What will I do without you?
I do not like expressing sadness,
But I have loved you too long.
A chain of rocks surround her belly.
Protecting her light.
A light that all can see,
and she is willing to share.
Even if people don’t deserve to be let in.
Let me protect you!
I will be light too!
Shouting again from the windowsill.
Small and defeated,
How can I sleep?
Trump is our president.
Someone who founded their campaign on the claim that
People from Mexico are rapists and murderers?
Why America, why?
A dark sea of red fills our government
Led by fear and hate.
You are all darkness!
Why is there so much darkness?
The ceiling offers no condolence.
Tomorrow I have so much due,
and I have to choose.
Where is it the most important that I am?
With her.
My last day to seek refuge in her presence.
My last day with her light.
I whisper spells of protection.
Energy is all I know of God.
Apathy is not the answer.
Silence is not the answer.
Everything in the fabric of my life
Has been preparing me to fight.
We are the future.
We are strong.
We are focused.
Fresh Fruit and Veggies
What am I if I cannot do what I ask of myself?
Why give in to our deep gratification
when I am not yet deserving.
Privilege is as privilege does.
I have had so much placed in my favor,
Yet I stand here twiddling my thumbs.
Internal wars rage on,
and I check my instagram.
I am in the luxury of a world
Where work and play are optional.
I am in the luxury of a mother
Who offers to carry me forward.
How can I deny what I am so far from achieving alone?
Privilege I am granted again.
This darkness is no one’s doing but my own.
I sit alone.
I sit here alone in my own darkness.
But I gratify myself anyways with obscure plane tickets
And fresh fruit and vegetables.
I am a product of your toils,
Yet I avoid my own.
I am dirt to you,
But you continue to lift me high.
Children are parasites to their creators.
I bring you low,
But you push high.
I do not deserve you.
My breath is heavy with guilt,
Because I still talk to you with teenage hints of contempt.
I catch myself but it is too late.
Will I ever be someone who I admire,
Will I ever be more responsible,
Will I ever hold my tongue,
And replace sour with love.
Like you have so willingly done over and over for me.
I do not deserve this.
Why do parents love their children?
So dearly too!
Why did you choose to love me even when we talk so seldomly?
I cannot bear to be your burden.
But I cannot bear to be without you.
A child of your womb,
I am maybe just genetically you,
And loving a child is loving a legacy.
But I still do not understand the depth.
Forever I am in gratitude to you.
Maybe I can make some honor to you with this life.
Maybe I can make my presence here worth the food I eat and the space I inhabit.
Some days I feel like I am all darkness.
I miss my family.
But I am not lonely.
Just alone in a different way.
I’ll treat myself again.
Still Functioning Mostly
I am wandering, or maybe I am lost. What’s the difference and who cares anyway. I was lost at home too. At least here I’m lost intentionally. Sadness is a pattern that I am trying to break. I lay in the grass, my skin guzzling in the sunshine. I am in love with this silence. It fills me up. I am warm and silent and calm.
I may have an incomplete to do list, but I am not a to do list. I am anger. I am happiness. I am everything human. I am love. I am hate. I am laziness. I am competence. I am brilliance. I am nothingness. But I am not a to do list.
Sometimes I forget the way that I can follow people’s eyes when they speak. I can hear their hands move and listen to the tilt of their shoulders. I hear so much more when I listen past the words.
All my deepest desires are shared. We are the same in so many ways. Maybe I’ll start understanding you so that one day I can understand me. If I want to be understood, and ultimately loved, then of course you do too. There is power in my silence. I am reading. I am learning. I am watching.
The sun leaves my back and the breeze feels colder. I am a follower of the climate like the wind. Rising with the warmth and falling with the cool, I travel based on temperatures.
Jeremy
Fingerprints on his windsheild
Functioning in madness
Silly and too lovable
I am enamored by you
Can I please carry you with me,
Sweet days of self-acceptance.
I’ll always remember how you
Listen.
I hope I can be to you
What you are to me.
Will a swelling heart,
I say goodbye.
To a Friend
I think sometimes about the value of another human. Why are we really good? What have you loved? What will you give to the world? And in the warmest light I see a few souls- a few paths that I’ve had the joy of crossing.
You are the best friend I’ve ever had. We sit in your idling car as you mention the countdown- 13 days. It always seems like there’s not enough time with you.
I’m fortunate to be able to love you. I’m happy that I’ve shared some of my happiest times with you.
If I was blind to everything but people’s light, the good they offered to the world, I would see you glowing in a crowded city. I’d find my way to you.
Our lives are too big for us to worry about small things like distance or time. It’ll be too much of an adventure to stop and worry.
I’m fortunate to have spent the last year and a half being your friend. I’m happy there’s a lifetime to go.
As A Parent
As a parent, I want to one day say to my children,
I love you even if you’re free.
Tossing keys against a screen,
“Hi Mom- let’s talk after class?”
Do you yearn for me as I yearn for you?
“OK See ya later.”
Give all your sisters weddings.
I’ll love their children too.
Sisters are sisters are sisters.
I’ve become your sister too.
Will I remember how tall you used to look?
You saw me all the time.
I need to find a way to call you,
because that’s what sisters do.
Will I remember to be a child?
Fond of open window breezes.
Will I remember how tall you used to look?
Or better yet-
How small I used to be.
Back then, you saw me every day.
Do you yearn for me as I yearn for you?
I want to love my children even if they’re free.
I want to love them as you have loved me.
Passion To Heal
Wow. This answers all my questions. The passion in her voice reminds me what it means to live for something. What is the purpose of it all? Find something you’re willing to fight for.
My Biggest Weakness
My biggest weakness is my weak will. I’m crippled by tasks with heavy heels and disorganization. This isnt something most of my friends would know about me- but it’s true. I’m the college student with the messy room and un kept house. I turned in a lab notebook today that wasnt even complete. I have no excuses. I turn to my phone. I’ll see every facebook post in a day but not write more than a page. It’s a problem. Seriously- I feel so weak willed. Face down on a table. Knees buckling under the weight of what? The privledge of never needing to work hard in your life? Being so fucking lazy and giving up? I see the same thing in myself when I scoot back after a half assed try on a highline. You sure as hell know a half-assed attempt when you see one. I need to find the part of myself that is different. I have the same equal and opposite dedermination to succeed as my stubbornness to fail. I just need to find the will to decide. Not only to try, but to know that no one is just goinng to hand you your goals. You have to decide and fight for them. Get fucking organized. Clean your room. Light a candle. Be someone who can accomplish what they set their mind to.
Paisley Playground 