The rain drops dont bother me. My suade shoes might say differently, but the buzz in my body is enough. Breezing through security, let them think they can stop us.

Satalites are a sign we arent supposed to be here. I feel the drops of water on the iron rod and tighten my fist. Hood up, nows a good time not to slip. But those fears evade me. 

You can tell with the lack of hesitation in which I turned the door knop. There wasnt supposed to be a 33rd floor. Its not my fault, they were asking for it when they said we couldnt ride the glass elavator.

Oh we rode that elavator.  And we didnt stop there. #2. Cameras facing it made me wonder what they had to hide. A red door stenciled with the warning “do not open: burgular alarm”. I challenged that, and with a twist of the wrist was on top of the world. 

My eyes opened as they closed. The sounds and lights never end in San Fransisco. The faint voices and hum of traffic carries even to the 12th floor. Bagels and cream cheese, empowering amd rooting conversations ring in my mind from the morning as I take on this city. One step at a time, it all feels conquerable. The leaves peek out from the wooden starcase. They shrink in the horizon. Up, up, up, tropical awasis of flowers and tiny wooden paths. We all fight for the skyline, each house higher than the last. My grandparents are reminded of their age, as they pretend not to be tired. I love them more for it. Shadows and sunshine, taking turns on our faces. We can almost see the city now. We can almost see it all. The best view wasnt at the top of the tower, it wasnt the view you waited in line for and paod $5 to see. A silloutte over a city, silver car waiting for us to finish, the search has just begun. 

home screen. tap tap. instagram. scroll scroll. home button. tap tap. the next snapchat. stories. hold. release. over and over. 

Why do I find so much satisfaction in this mindless task? Is it some form of false connection that I’m craving. Maybe its the perpetual training of my hands to navigate to those places. Maybe it has to do with my turning to social media whenever I want to be distracted or curb my anxiety.

Well it has to stop. I am battling with an addiction to my phone. No meaning, nothing to check, but hours pass as my retinas burn from staring into the tiny screen.

Reality is all around me. There is so much to learn, to explore, to acheive, to clean, to be happy, sad about, to experience, yet my identity is severed by this network ambillical chord.

Glass beach near Fort Bragg used to be legendary, but as it became more and more popular, people would come, take bags of glass, and leave. Now if you go- there might be a few patches of glass left, but that wont last long and the beach is far from covered. 

The waves crashing onto a relatively undiscovered beach reminded me why  humans are such destroyers. My friend filled her pockets and backpack with the beauty that layed beneath my toes. “It will soon all be gone” I said aloud, trying to challenge her to realize what it meant to take away the gems of this beach. Beach combers had a new meaning for me today, as a woman sat combing a circle around her, with her eyes inches away, closely examining the sand. People find it, and exploit it, and them its just another glass beach story. 

We talked about the business and certification of “organic” food and being self sustainable and able to cook. We talked about women empowerment and expectations. We shared stories about adventures and characters we knew. I observed and learned. 

Mariah is a character I havent stereotyped before in my mind. At first she seemed very closed minded. She lectures people on how they shouldnt die their hair, or eat certain food, etc. I challenged her indirectly with a question about right and wrong, I said “I dont think theres any such thing as right ans wrong- I think theres only simple and less simple.” if your thought process is intelligent and rational, then it is complex, your own, and valid. I said this to introduce the concept of cultural relativism and how we cannot assert ourselves as having the right definition of morals because other cultures think they have the right definition too. But later she talked about her determination and motivation to do things, and her moral stubborness was a huge force in her life. She makes her own bread from scratch, as well as shampoo and conditioner, and just about everything else she can on her own. I admire that. 

She also introduced a really interesting  concept of time to me. We only know certain feelings because thats all we have experienced. So we cannot know to look for things we have not experienced. Thats why often people think they need an old relationship because thats all they know. This was very wise and open minded of her. I am baffled by this character and want to include her in a story.

Sierra is down for adventures, and I think we are going to be good friends.  

           

Some times I feel a little worried when I think about the future. A little gut wrench that reminds me I should be on a path- I should know where I’m going. I think of my potential and all my mentors and then look at my hands as they do nothing. 

Maybe I need to do some self exploration. 

Venturing into the plaza, I had little intent. Actually I didnt know where I was going even as I fist stepped out of my door. Funny how things work themselves out when you let yourself explore. I stumbled upon two free boxes and a few gems, and then into the plaza. I was texting Alex when I noticed a familar face balancing on a skate board. She looked at me and mutual recognition sent me beaming over with open arms. Working Food Not Bombs, she spent a good amount of time in the plaza. I stayed until darkness had rolled in. I talked with a mom and her son about transitions from Michigan to california, and he told me about his disagreements with goverment at all, and I told him you have to be a part of society to change it. He liked that. A little yelling and a few people off balance doesnt bother me all that much, company is company. 

Saturday I studied with Eve and solved problems on the board. Then left to sing and sit in the grass with Laura. 

we all felt really awkward and off put by a strange guest. I am afraid my desire to challenge burned a bridge with that group by engaging with him.

We danced the night away at Portegese Hall and I loved it. No kisses like the night before, but many smiles and sweet faces.

Ended the night in my own bed and my own company.

I’m in love with these few days. 

I need to work on my reliance on others. You cant build real relationships when you’re invested for selfish reasons. I’m a caring person, but what does that mean if at the end of the day, I’m in it for comfort.

Ruby recently decided that being friends wasnt an option because of how distant I was when with Sheamus. Besides my diagreements with that, and my changed view of her as a person, she touched on something very true that has been an issue for me before. 

I’m havent been alone enough to be my own person. I have leaned on someone(s) for near 5 years, and love is comfortable for me. But that defeats the purpose of it, the specialness, te closeness. Its degraded to a selfish lust of satisfaction thats only gaine from the light headed extasy and butterfly bliss of being in love. 

Did you know that you can stimulate the same parts of your brain and fall in love on your own? With yourself. 

To appreciate love you must go without love. Also, it really does have to be the right person. Trying to change someone is just unrealistic and weird. 

I am free.

But its important to be very true to myself. Its exausting to pretend to be happy when you feel so torn up inside. Its important to go to people to build relationships with them, bot because you need tem. Thanks Ruby for reminding me of that.

There are so many things to be happy about. The best thing I can do for the world is to be the best version of myself. Becoming absorbed in people around you just limits the scope of what you are capable of.

I am beginning a new chapter in my life of independence, self exploration, and eventually self actualization.

Seeing the Bolman Forum tonight was riveting. 

She calls upon their eyes and says with warm suggestiveness to be “a little” quiet this is for the news

The feeling in the room was so powerful. Everyone was completely silent under the suggestion. Such organization, such respect. 

To be a leader is not to be implanted as one. But it is to be the one most invested. He comes with a box of chocolates and every one cheers.

He is who he is meant to be. Whatever that means. But hes serving some purpose. Does that purpose speak to me? Not yet- but they do.

They intrigue me.They’re organization, intelligence, and energy feels almost addictive it is so great.

This makes me reflect on my motivations for being interested in HOP. 

How can I be the most invested in it than anyone? How can I give my heart and soul to this program like they are burning for theirs. 

Sleeping 5 nights in a building, that must be incredible bonding, none of it is a job either, they just come and say “I want to be involved” and its more structured than anything.

Personal Recruiter: Pete

We need that. Exciting projects. Hands on leaders. it doesnt matter if you’re nice or mean or whatever- What do you DO makes you a great leader, what you give builds trust and a team.