I used to whisper vows to her
A child asleep in my arms,
I will love you forever.
I once thanked her, even,
crediting her for teaching me love.
A body grows
Now she likes philosophy
11 years old, saying blatantly,
why is it that all men want something?
Drunken chaotic violent love is what she knows
I wish I wish I wish
I could be there
Maybe I stay a little farther at times
Because I know how much it hurts to see her
And feel like I’ve let her fall.
I can’t be a mother.
But what does a child do when she’s alone with a storm?
“I was worried, so I started counting.”
“How many beers.”
“How many does she usually drink?”
“If it’s just me and her… only 4-6. But when Rosie comes over more like 10 or 12.”
I pray that she comes out of her childhood stronger.
My heart aches for her struggle.
So matter of fact. So articulate. Beautiful and tall.
Asleep beside me like so long ago.
Memories flood my heart.
I want a whole life with her.
I started every letter to you with a love pronoun
but hit delete when it was ready to send
Will I hold tenderness for you-
Or close the door?
Reinforced with brick walls
The west calls you-
Yet I am coming East.
Maybe our roads will meet.
My heart clenches a romantic hope
But with the same breath I must release.
If he is to love me, let it be because he knows me-
Let him see both the light and the dark.
Wonder fills my thoughts.
A blind date at the end of a series of letters.
A drive with a blind hope.
Bliss or not, I’ll know soon.
Will your voice sound like music to me?
My heart can sometimes be heavy handed-
Destroying as it touches.
Clutching on to what it likes,
I hope I can be lighter with you.
Let it be more than a moment.
I hope to see you as you are.
I feel the breeze from my open door
Engulfed by the comfort
Sweet sweet Arcata will always be my home.
I haven’t saved much money,
But I am ready to go.
I feel my feet becoming lighter
I am eager. I am ready.
Open doors await.
A place within a dream, that’s what this is.
Beams of light bursting from around our shadows.
Beneath us, roaring waves.
Silence so serene
My head is resting on you
I decide to sleep on these feelings
My heart often speaks to me more clearly in my dreams
But for now I’m drowning in joy
As our lips touch
I hold back
Clutching my heart
As I feel it so dangerously danging on my sleeve
The ocean surrounds us
Islands trail the coastline into the distance
The sky is crystal blue
If I was ever unsure before
I am sure now
He feels for me too.
I wake up with answers however small
And am reminded not to worry.
We’ve known each other for a few years now.
Some times I’m more fond of you than others.
But a few mornings ago might of been my favorite memory of you yet.
I remember your kind words, and forget the rest.
I’ve seen you cry and held your hands.
I know you’ve loved everyone except for me.
I am a friend to you, I hope that that’s still clear.
But we are just as lost as each other.
Maybe that’s just a sickness making us sicker.
But this town is so much less fun when you’re not around.
I wonder if you look back upon yourself as I look back upon the life I’ve seen.
Colors of the trees met with persistence and dedication.
Blue eyes and a brazen tongue, you are one of my favorite people.
When you return from the mountains you listen and my voice seems bolder.
My words are met with your remarks.
I like to speak to you.
Hands burning of lust
I wonder how far I can wander
Focused on your every move
We sit in my room as the rest falls away
Your eyes locked on mine
I allow myself to lean into you
It’s unexpected- the kiss
Until it’s routine again
I am kissing. Is this ok?
I am climbing. I am pushing farther.
It’s okay. I think to myself. It’s okay to be free. Be wild. Be however.
Extasy to my fingertips flowing into you-
I am so in love with this.
Thoughts evade my actions and we are sinking deeper into the realm of touch
Fingers boldly exploring.
Crossing the lines of female and male, using our bodies for what they are made to do.
Create with me?
The act of it should be nothing short of bliss
Yet it is.
More? I ask myself, as I will for more.
Until it is nothing again.
What is missing? What is still missing?
I demand silently.
He looks me in the eye.
Why the fuck are your eyes so open?
Your human form against my human form.
Cuddling so naked.
Surges of love overpower reality.
Can touch be so synonymous that this is how I suddenly feel?
He’s my roommate.
This life will be short. I’ll exist and then I won’t. So very few of us make any dent that outlasts our own breaths. The highest suicide rate is among men in their 50s. It’s 19%.
I imagine my mirror image at that age. You have less than half your life left. You look back at the decisions you’ve made and wonder. Was it worth it? Did I choose the right path? And the truth of monotony and normalcy runs like a current. We are nothing unless we are something.
But then again, to some degree that contradicts many spiritual teachings. What is self-realization?
I have been awake every day for 22 years, but have I ever really been awake?
I’ve never been in a point in my life where I have as much free time as I have right now. I feel that I’ve been as low as I am right now before. No matter how busy I was, I fought this internal chaos. But now… I feel that it’s all I surround myself with. I have graduated from college. I have traveled the world. Now I’m back in Arcata but feel frozen. I am not even applying to jobs. But every morning I wake up and think about how lazy and awful I am, and stare at the ceiling for hours. Yesterday I didn’t get out of bed until nearly 5 pm. It was hell. Does anyone else out there experience the darkness that I do?
I’m not in a war torn area. I was born privileged. I have had color in my memories. I have meaningful friendships and am surrounded by positive people. Yet I still find myself in this haze. It’s manifests in silence some days, in rage others. But I only face it when I am alone. When I am with people I play a version of myself where this darkness does not exist. I wonder if anyone notices how sad I am?
The decisions that I have made up to this point have brought me here. I’ve had little forward thinking and cannot afford to waste any more time. I need to capitalize on my youth, my time, my skills… I should be doing all that’s in my power to swing a gig in Arcata right now, and hopefully will move to Seattle in due time for graduate school. But will I ever apply? Will I ever make something of this life?