Will To Be Strong In Joy

I want to be around him so badly. I feel myself convulsing around thoughts of him. All the feelings of love and joy are filling my heart and mind. It’s illogical and obscure to love so blindly, yet I continue to wear a heart on my sleeve. All the moments of loneliness and solitude somehow feel like a build up for this one moment. But then I see the weakness in my knees and the missing in my heart. Why am I suddenly feeling like all I want in the world is to be with him? It’s ludicrous. I was genuinely convinced that I didn’t have it in me to feel this ridiculous sensation. Why are human beings so programmed to have these love attachments? I’m glad to know it’s in me! I just hate it too. I don’t want to go through the next couple months missing anyone. But I feel this gap where I’m missing him and I hardly understand it. But I fall asleep thinking of him and wake up thinking of him. It’s comforting and frustrating in the same breath. I wish that I understood this sensation more. I know that it’s lovely and special. But also, I know that to some degree it’s biological. I can love. I will love. But a romantic partner will be more intense and powerful than other loves because I have an innate biological desire to mate. I have to remind myself of this objective perspective when I start to get dreamy and lost. I have to stay strong and hear my own voice when I find myself whispering sweet wishes for the future. I need to know my own wants and desires, and find passion in life without it being tied to another human being. But god, I feel like I found him. I feel like he’s the exact person who I’ve been searching for. It’s not even that he’s perfect by any means. It’s more of just this deep conviction that I’ve had since we first began writing to each other. It seems like I have known him for so long, and that some how he already understands me better than most anyone, even though we hardly know each other.

My fears: In the past I’ve been too sucked into the high of love. The high of another person making you feel like you’re nearly out of your body. A dizzy spinning joy that’s not only wonderful, but consuming. It’s addicting. It’s hard to live without once you’ve experienced it. It’s pure passion and completion. I only feel the need for this once I have bonded with a person. When I am not romantically intertwined with anyone, I feel peaceful and calm. I feel passion about life, and excitement about relationships, but not the crippling bliss of love. I am worried I will be weak in the face of my attachments. I will be consumed and dependent on his presence in my life. I am worried that I will be desperate and all too willing to go to the ends of this earth for him. It’s a ludicrous feeling, but it’s also so beautiful. The most important thing for me to decide is who that person is that I will have these feelings for. Because I do not want to go through so much heart break in my life. I can only choose a handful of people, and I must bear that choice heavily. I cannot just jump into the arms of any eligible bachelor that shows potential. I must be cautious and careful. I must be logical. I must be safe, and then I can allow the floodgates to open. I can allow the bliss as long as I am full in my own way. I must not lose myself, my ambition, my heart in love. I must remember who I am always. I must be able to speak to myself with no one else listening. I must choose wisely. Someone kind, someone understanding, someone smart, and strong.

He is all of these things. Beautiful and confident. Sweet and silly. Kind and thoughtful. Hardworking and ambitious. He seems like he has found me as much as I have found him. I wonder if he is as cautious as I am. I wonder if he feels as much fear of attachment as I do. I wonder if he has been burned and lost like I have in love. I wonder if he will love me at my lows as easily as he might at my highs. I wonder if he will be able to see me for who I am.

It’s really important to me that those around me know me. There’s nothing more heartbreaking than being stuck in a situation where the people around you have totally the wrong idea of who you are. Maybe you can change it, or maybe you won’t care. But more than anything, I hope that I can discover myself around him, and that he feels free to be completely himself around me. I need to remember the joy of friendship, and cultivate true knowing of each other with him. I need to be free to talk openly and philosophically.

 

Red Storm

I used to whisper vows to her
A child asleep in my arms,
I will love you forever.
I once thanked her, even,
crediting her for teaching me love.

A body grows
Now she likes philosophy
11 years old, saying blatantly,
why is it that all men want something?

Drunken chaotic violent love is what she knows
I wish I wish I wish
I could be there
Maybe I stay a little farther at times
Because I know how much it hurts to see her
And feel like I’ve let her fall.

I can’t be a mother.
But what does a child do when she’s alone with a storm?
“I was worried, so I started counting.”
“Counting what?”
“How many beers.”
“How many does she usually drink?”
“If it’s just me and her… only 4-6. But when Rosie comes over more like 10 or 12.”

I pray that she comes out of her childhood stronger.
My heart aches for her struggle.
So matter of fact. So articulate. Beautiful and tall.
Asleep beside me like so long ago.
Memories flood my heart.
I want a whole life with her.

Meet Me in Utah

I started every letter to you with a love pronoun
but hit delete when it was ready to send
Will I hold tenderness for you-
Or close the door?
Reinforced with brick walls

The west calls you-
Yet I am coming East.
Maybe our roads will meet.

My heart clenches a romantic hope
But with the same breath I must release.
If he is to love me, let it be because he knows me-
Let him see both the light and the dark.

Wonder fills my thoughts.
A blind date at the end of a series of letters.
A drive with a blind hope.
Bliss or not, I’ll know soon.
Will your voice sound like music to me?

My heart can sometimes be heavy handed-
Destroying as it touches.
Clutching on to what it likes,
I hope I can be lighter with you.

Let it be more than a moment.
I hope to see you as you are.

Just Stay Behind

You have such a hard time being alone. It’s funny how my view of you has changed so drastically in such a short period of time. It went from seeing you as a light to seeing you as such darkness. I think that my ideas of what I look for in another person have been refined by your presence. Forget the magic and romance that is so fleeting. I thought that I found something in you. Oh! This person understands me! This person is willing to talk about philosophy! But what is the value of any of that if as a person you have the qualities: afraid to be alone, needy, unreliable, not loyal, false to your word. I’ve always considered myself a bit impulsive, but there’s a difference in choosing to embrace the unknown and impulsively grabbing at life. My magnetic draw to you has turned into repulsion. I am disappointed to leave it at this. I feel that I was able to say some positive words when we spoke yesterday. Although feeling the feelings I felt for you seems like it was more of a memoir than a memory.

This is a reminder to myself that probably every one who I have a negative feeling towards I probably once loved. Because this the stain can only be associated with hurt. I wish that I wasn’t as disappointed as I feel. But thank you for the lessons. Thank you for the time. Thank you for the home. Please let me go.

Romance

A place within a dream, that’s what this is.
Beams of light bursting from around our shadows.
Beneath us, roaring waves.
Rythmically returning
Silence so serene
My head is resting on you

I decide to sleep on these feelings
My heart often speaks to me more clearly in my dreams
But for now I’m drowning in joy
As our lips touch

I hold back
Clutching my heart
As I feel it so dangerously danging on my sleeve
The ocean surrounds us
Islands trail the coastline into the distance

The sky is crystal blue
If I was ever unsure before
I am sure now
He feels for me too.

I wake up with answers however small
And am reminded not to worry.

Paris

We’ve known each other for a few years now.
Some times I’m more fond of you than others.
But a few mornings ago might of been my favorite memory of you yet.

I remember your kind words, and forget the rest.
I’ve seen you cry and held your hands.
I know you’ve loved everyone except for me.

I am a friend to you, I hope that that’s still clear.
But we are just as lost as each other.
Maybe that’s just a sickness making us sicker.
But this town is so much less fun when you’re not around.

I wonder if you look back upon yourself as I look back upon the life I’ve seen.
Colors of the trees met with persistence and dedication.
Blue eyes and a brazen tongue, you are one of my favorite people.

When you return from the mountains you listen and my voice seems bolder.
My words are met with your remarks.
I like to speak to you.