fear actually fills my eyes with salt water
no no no
i wasted another mistake!
fuck!!!!!!!
I’m so lost and scared and done
I’m so done
I’m so tired
fuck this!!!!!!
ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh
no no no no no
please please please
death by books
trapped with a chain hanging on my ankle
I step up reluctantly
slowly
drudgingly
How will I finish?
Can I please fail?
Can it please be over?
Let me go
Let me move on
Let me be free
I hate this.
please please please

My eyes feel heavy as I attend another day.
The decision to not work this semester fresh on my tongue.
A yawn from the body sitting next to me,
The lecture goes on and even leaks into the hallway.
I twiddle my thumbs as the day dwindles away.
Pregnant with possibility,
But without a due date.

Wiggly steps shoot reverbrations through the line.
My arms jerk up and down.
Hoping to catch wiggles before my hips do.
Leaning forward, my knee sinks
Toes taking my weight one at a time
Until my back foot is light enough to sneak forward.
1234, 1234, 1234
A tune provokes silence.

Suspicion glazed beneath my cheerful tone.
I wonder what she really thinks of me.
Poisen stains her lips red
Reflection much more demanding than blame
She speaks of the incompetent students
Blind.
My memories are plastic.
Highest esteem replaced with doubt.
I wasn’t free when I was following you.
An absence
Becomes a gift.

Write. Write. Write.
Words color my mind.
An art I’ve chosen
Sweet and alive.
Hm. Hm. Hm.
Spent my whole life
Refining my ability to define,
But just in one language.
Would the moments remain if I couldn’t speak of them?
Erase. Erase. Erase.
Oh human, silly creature, you.

Sleep protrudes my eyelids
Boredom gnawing at my stomach
I sink into my chair.
My eyelids are closing again.
Maybe I won’t make it
Without coffee.

Access, Access, Access
Access to your kitchen
We share the same doorway
Sweet over the shoulder glances
Forgive me for the mess
Each twist and turn reminds me
How complicated trails can be to learn
Glasses come in handy
But not if you’re looking in the mirror
Blind blissful ignorance.

My back polluted with sour acne
My face does maintain it’s reflection
I confirmed just last Tuesday from the mirror
Fibanacchi numbers even ruined by vanity
100 perfect angles define anything that is beautiful
Lies! Lies! Lies!
How the fuck do you dare to define beauty by left-brained models?
Creatuvity behind beholding eyes
Is evidence of a soul
The womb of the earth is not yours to sit in.
We all experience being born
Most with skin
Mysteries of the mind are less aparent on Tuesdays

Do you ever feel like your floating?
where you’re toes are just above the ground
Waiting to be drawn in a direction
My mind is blank
My stomach aching
The cheesy bread and extra 2 dollars in my pocket or the
soggy vegtables in a broth of heaven
Only a few more hours of focus
I made it through three weeks
I can get groceries today
$5 just $5
Spent on peace of the stomach
This is why I bring lunch to school
Sleeping macchine functioning at the approved level
Don’t wake up but do wake up
The curriculum contradicts the system that administers it
We are far from protected

Some people have dreams for their life in terms of big cars or fine clothing. But my dream for myself is so tangible yet so far away. Internal pursuits can be so difficult to shine light upon.

I want to be able to set my mind to something, and be unstoppable. I want to be able to work for hours without second guessing or convincing myself that I don’t have time or that this isn’t a reality for me. I want to be not only ambitious, but disciplined. 

Education has given me habits and tasks that could have led to accomplishing this, but instead they have led to the hell of my own mind that accompanies every school year. Anger, self-loathing, and depression sink into my heart more than the information that I’m learning half the time. I know theres a better way. 

I want to seek out learning, not be intimidated by it. I want to open the hw I have to do with confidence, not powerlessness. I want to dream of things, and the  turn around and do them. Not just forget about them because I’m too tired to try.

My dream for myself is to be as high functioning as I can be. My dream is to increase my ability to focus, to learn, to organize. And isnt that supposed to be what education really is all about? 

Dizzying darkness closing in
All I can make out are 
Massive redwood giants with
Thick fern laden stocks
Stretching endlessly up
High fiving the stars
On the this dark night
Only they can see each other
I cave in to the unknown
Trusting my blindness
I stub my toe on a log.

The friend on my wrist ticks on.
The sun's beautiful.
Fuck the heat.
Vibrating from the apex of my skull.
Screaming in my temples.
This is personal.
Water swimming through the one-inch pipes that 
bend it unwillingly into my glass.
Thirsty,
Drops sitting on my tastebuds.
A small caterpillar swings on a web.
Some will never leave this place.
I cannot breath.
Traveling north for the fog to roll in again.

Standing above you,
I decide that I can jump.
A new trusted stranger holds my shoulders
1, arch… 2, one-thousand… 3, one-thousand… 4,one-thousand
On 5 I must remember
The world looks so small from up here
There’s no way that it’s real
Disorientation and trust are an okay combination
As long as you possess the latter.
5, he makes a fist to signal
One hand up and the other on my shoot
A practice to maybe make sure it is still there
But all I can think of is my words to the clouds
Hello, there
Whisping through my hair, they guide me.
Sometimes to hear the wind you have to stop breathing

I woke up this morning to the sweet blue light that seeps through my tapestry each morning. I rolled in my bed stretching into the soft corners. Do you ever just wake up and feel grateful? I slept for 10 hours! Thank you, my lovely body. Thoughts of my morning routine play through my mind. Should I shower right now, read, go for a run, or make breakfast. I land on none of those options- write.

I fell asleep to the words of Kite Runner last night. Lately, I have been coming home from work and indulging my mind. I have studied and played ample chess. Been reading both stories and histories of places that I’ve known and not known. It leaves me falling into the night satisfied.