Asleep with my eyes open.
Barred by the pain
I am imprisoned in my bed.
Laying still hoping the days pass
Or this body sentence will end.

I am so alone.
I am reminded by the words that she fills my lips with.
I cannot remember a time when I didn’t fantasize about dying.
It seems so much better than to live.

IBprofen doses make my mind foggy.
Google searches include “lethal dose”
241.
“I took a whole bottle and it didn’t work” A reddit user confessed.
That would only be 52.
You’d need to have 5 bottles handy.
Mistakes just cause stomach bleeding.

I want to die so badly.
I have hated everyone who’s ever loved me.

I have no passions. no goals. no desires.
I traveled the world,
but all I felt was the same- consumed by my sadness.
No borders allowed me to escape the familiar screaming inside.
Looking off the edge of buildings wondering if I was brave enough to jump.

I want to die so badly.
How horrible and selfish and lazy-
To destroy those who have invested so fully into you.
To run away from living.

The leaves don’t fall
But I do.
A world of walking,
Is met with a room.
January- this time of new starts and reflection.
Where was I supposed to be by now?
Lost in ambitions and ambiguity,
January sits on me.
Like an unfortunate cloud dropping in on your Himalayan trek.
Colored with lessons I cannot yet see.
I am in January.
Thoughts of where I should be, and where I haven’t gone,
rattle my mind to the point where I sink deeper in the covers,
and hit play on youtube one more time.
Distractions to drown out the goals.
Distractions to drown the fucking broken leg.
Drown out the pain.
Hide what you’ve been thinking.
Forget.

January is either a time to reflect or a time to banish the past.
“I am not who I was yesterday.” He says on January 1st.
Reflection replaced with selective amnesia.
“Do not forget me!” My leg seems to scream.
But “shoulds” are met with “should haves”
and what I have not done continues to haunt me.
The war with myself
is distracting.

January is a time to reflect.
I think of all the places I have walked in a year.
My lovely wonderful legs.
It has been a while since I thanked you.

To die will be natural. I think of the spirit that is around the body being scared afraid, but in actuality I think that to die will be as easy as to live. just like we have in stinks that make our first time in bed with another smooth, we are beings that are meant to live and die. When we die, if there is a place we go, I don’t expect it to be scary. I think it will be a place we understand and navigate once we are there. I’m not in a rush to go. I think that the monotony and slowness of life is enjoyable. I see diverse opportunity to continue learning and living. I am more or less happy. But again, I am not afraid of death. Even if spirits wander around the areas where they were attached, I don’t think it’s because they’re there in a chaotic place of having lost their body. I think there maybe sadness there, but we will understand it and we will navigate it when we’re there.

I’m going to start a business. I’ll create a website for myself with an e-commerce set up. I’ll have deliverable contacts. I’ll network. I’ll hire. I’ll create. Can I envision a company? Am I ready? Choose an industry and go, Raleigh. NOW.

Industries of Interest:
Genetic Modeling
Engineering
Computer Science
E-commerce
Marine Biology
Broadcast entertainment

Important questions: how can I learn what I need to in order to be successful in these feilds? What is my focus on a product, and how can I deliver it? Will I be able to navigate the digital space? What will my investments be?

Understand successful algorithyms- a great start.

The big question lays in front of me during this pivotal time, what will I make of my life? I’m graduating college. I’m in my 20’s. I’ve had a few serious relationships. I’ve spent some time exploring. I am in control of myself and my future.

There are so many distractions.

Gross. Awesome. Dirty. Lovely. Ecstatic. Violent. We all have different associations with the world of intimacy. Some have wonderful safe places and some others might associate intimacy with manipulation and darkness.

I’ve always had trouble meditating except when I had just returned from India. When I went back to Humboldt after that trip I was a recreated person. I remember the joy I felt each time I closed my eyes because all the memories would flood back to me. I went to work early each day and my productivity soared. I was full of energy. I was waking up early in the morning and meditating. I would walk to school feeling light and happy and full of peace. But like most highs, the feeling of empowerment and peace began to fade. Since then I have been yearning to return to India. 

 I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I felt like there was a part of myself that I found and now was losing and I didn’t know why exactly. I stopped being able to meditate and returned to my busy-minded ways. It all felt like a weird dream. Did that really happen? I found myself thinking. I just knew there was something out there thay I wanted to find again. So all year I have been waiting. I have been finishing my degree relentlessly because I wanted nothing else but to return to India. I will be myself again. I will be at peace again, I thought. 
So when I landed in Thailand, I couldn’t understand why I felt the same. Maybe I just need to go to India, I thought. Maybe Thailand isn’t home for me like India is. But it’s here too. It’s actually everywhere. After a few days of walking, of swimming, of thinking- it is starting to creep back into my consciousness. 

I’m here in Surat and it’s wonderful. This is far from a tourist destination. It’s the first place I’ve been in India that doesn’t have some ancient breath taking castle or sights of the sort. It’s a residential city in a sense. The two big industries are textiles and diamonds, both of which I’ve learned a lot about staying here. But the truth is, the sights are a by product of traveling. The most wonderful part of being in another part of the world are weeks like this.

I learned how to make yogurt. I saw how obvious it is that I should own a sewing machine. I spent hours going on midnight tea runs blasting dance music in the car with my two host sisters and their friends. I spoke to a group of preschool teachers and got them all to try slacklining and acro yoga!

I am learning and growing at a landslide pace, and I can’t keep up. It’s weeks like these that leave me beaming as I fall asleep. It’s the in between moments, looking out the car window, sitting at a street food stall, feeling the wind in my hair on the bicycle… that make everything worth it.

“What is the purpose of this… this slacklining? Why do you do it?” A teacher asked at the session I gave. It’s a good question. The truth is, there really isn’t much of a purpose. But does there have to be? Balance, sure. But it’s more than that. It’s something that just adds to my life. It’s part of the journey that I want to live. It’s not about a measure of productivity, I just like spending my time this way. All these moments add up.

“What is the purpose of traveling?” This is a tough question.

The crunch of bone is a sound that’s hard to miss
First there I am falling through the air
Then my reflection of some sunglasses
Pain contorting my face.
“Does anyone have some whisky?”
A figure steps forward and tries to lift me,
Only to be met with my screams.

Call 911
Hold my hand
Carry the stretcher, when it comes.
Scour for my lost belongings
Return in the morning with flowers
Drive 5 hours to meet me
See me and speak kind words
Brace for my screams
Spend the night beside me.

I know so many heros.