Will To Be Strong In Joy

I want to be around him so badly. I feel myself convulsing around thoughts of him. All the feelings of love and joy are filling my heart and mind. It’s illogical and obscure to love so blindly, yet I continue to wear a heart on my sleeve. All the moments of loneliness and solitude somehow feel like a build up for this one moment. But then I see the weakness in my knees and the missing in my heart. Why am I suddenly feeling like all I want in the world is to be with him? It’s ludicrous. I was genuinely convinced that I didn’t have it in me to feel this ridiculous sensation. Why are human beings so programmed to have these love attachments? I’m glad to know it’s in me! I just hate it too. I don’t want to go through the next couple months missing anyone. But I feel this gap where I’m missing him and I hardly understand it. But I fall asleep thinking of him and wake up thinking of him. It’s comforting and frustrating in the same breath. I wish that I understood this sensation more. I know that it’s lovely and special. But also, I know that to some degree it’s biological. I can love. I will love. But a romantic partner will be more intense and powerful than other loves because I have an innate biological desire to mate. I have to remind myself of this objective perspective when I start to get dreamy and lost. I have to stay strong and hear my own voice when I find myself whispering sweet wishes for the future. I need to know my own wants and desires, and find passion in life without it being tied to another human being. But god, I feel like I found him. I feel like he’s the exact person who I’ve been searching for. It’s not even that he’s perfect by any means. It’s more of just this deep conviction that I’ve had since we first began writing to each other. It seems like I have known him for so long, and that some how he already understands me better than most anyone, even though we hardly know each other.

My fears: In the past I’ve been too sucked into the high of love. The high of another person making you feel like you’re nearly out of your body. A dizzy spinning joy that’s not only wonderful, but consuming. It’s addicting. It’s hard to live without once you’ve experienced it. It’s pure passion and completion. I only feel the need for this once I have bonded with a person. When I am not romantically intertwined with anyone, I feel peaceful and calm. I feel passion about life, and excitement about relationships, but not the crippling bliss of love. I am worried I will be weak in the face of my attachments. I will be consumed and dependent on his presence in my life. I am worried that I will be desperate and all too willing to go to the ends of this earth for him. It’s a ludicrous feeling, but it’s also so beautiful. The most important thing for me to decide is who that person is that I will have these feelings for. Because I do not want to go through so much heart break in my life. I can only choose a handful of people, and I must bear that choice heavily. I cannot just jump into the arms of any eligible bachelor that shows potential. I must be cautious and careful. I must be logical. I must be safe, and then I can allow the floodgates to open. I can allow the bliss as long as I am full in my own way. I must not lose myself, my ambition, my heart in love. I must remember who I am always. I must be able to speak to myself with no one else listening. I must choose wisely. Someone kind, someone understanding, someone smart, and strong.

He is all of these things. Beautiful and confident. Sweet and silly. Kind and thoughtful. Hardworking and ambitious. He seems like he has found me as much as I have found him. I wonder if he is as cautious as I am. I wonder if he feels as much fear of attachment as I do. I wonder if he has been burned and lost like I have in love. I wonder if he will love me at my lows as easily as he might at my highs. I wonder if he will be able to see me for who I am.

It’s really important to me that those around me know me. There’s nothing more heartbreaking than being stuck in a situation where the people around you have totally the wrong idea of who you are. Maybe you can change it, or maybe you won’t care. But more than anything, I hope that I can discover myself around him, and that he feels free to be completely himself around me. I need to remember the joy of friendship, and cultivate true knowing of each other with him. I need to be free to talk openly and philosophically.

 

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