Fresh Fruit and Veggies

What am I if I cannot do what I ask of myself?
Why give in to our deep gratification
when I am not yet deserving.
Privilege is as privilege does.
I have had so much placed in my favor,
Yet I stand here twiddling my thumbs.
Internal wars rage on,
and I check my instagram.
I am in the luxury of a world
Where work and play are optional.
I am in the luxury of a mother
Who offers to carry me forward.
How can I deny what I am so far from achieving alone?
Privilege I am granted again.
This darkness is no one’s doing but my own.
I sit alone.
I sit here alone in my own darkness.
But I gratify myself anyways with obscure plane tickets
And fresh fruit and vegetables.
I am a product of your toils,
Yet I avoid my own.
I am dirt to you,
But you continue to lift me high.
Children are parasites to their creators.
I bring you low,
But you push high.
I do not deserve you.
My breath is heavy with guilt,
Because I still talk to you with teenage hints of contempt.
I catch myself but it is too late.
Will I ever be someone who I admire,
Will I ever be more responsible,
Will I ever hold my tongue,
And replace sour with love.
Like you have so willingly done over and over for me.
I do not deserve this.
Why do parents love their children?
So dearly too!
Why did you choose to love me even when we talk so seldomly?
I cannot bear to be your burden.
But I cannot bear to be without you.
A child of your womb,
I am maybe just genetically you,
And loving a child is loving a legacy.
But I still do not understand the depth.
Forever I am in gratitude to you.
Maybe I can make some honor to you with this life.
Maybe I can make my presence here worth the food I eat and the space I inhabit.
Some days I feel like I am all darkness.
I miss my family.
But I am not lonely.
Just alone in a different way.
I’ll treat myself again.

Still Functioning Mostly

I am wandering, or maybe I am lost. What’s the difference and who cares anyway. I was lost at home too. At least here I’m lost intentionally. Sadness is a pattern that I am trying to break. I lay in the grass, my skin guzzling in the sunshine. I am in love with this silence. It fills me up. I am warm and silent and calm.

I may have an incomplete to do list, but I am not a to do list. I am anger. I am happiness. I am everything human. I am love. I am hate. I am laziness. I am competence. I am brilliance. I am nothingness. But I am not a to do list.

Sometimes I forget the way that I can follow people’s eyes when they speak. I can hear their hands move and listen to the tilt of their shoulders. I hear so much more when I listen past the words.

All my deepest desires are shared. We are the same in so many ways. Maybe I’ll start understanding you so that one day I can understand me. If I want to be understood, and ultimately loved, then of course you do too. There is power in my silence. I am reading. I am learning. I am watching.

The sun leaves my back and the breeze feels colder. I am a follower of the climate like the wind. Rising with the warmth and falling with the cool, I travel based on temperatures.

Jeremy

Fingerprints on his windsheild
Functioning in madness
Silly and too lovable
I am enamored by you

Can I please carry you with me,
Sweet days of self-acceptance.
I’ll always remember how you
Listen.

I hope I can be to you
What you are to me.
Will a swelling heart,
I say goodbye.